"The Oak Tree"

Bud,

So every day I've been going through and reading a few of the many cards that I received over the past 5 months.  Each one is so personal.  The one I read today is from Grandma Betty:

A mighty wind blew night and day.

It stole the oak tree's leaves away,

Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark

Until the oak was tired and stark.

But still the oak tree held its ground

 While other trees fell all around.

The weary wind gave up and spoke,

"How can you still be standing , Oak?"

The oak tree said, "I know that you

Can break each branch of mine in two,

Carry every leaf away,

Shake my limbs, and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,

Growing stronger since my birth.

You'll never touch them, for you see,

They are the deepest part of me.

Until today, I wasn't sure

Of just how much I could endure.

But now I've found, with thanks to you,

I'm stronger than I ever knew."

Five months in and when the air turns on upstairs and moves the bedroom door I still jump thinking that it's you coming to bed.

Miss you more then words.

Luv Ya,

Jenn

comparison

Bud, 

Where to begin.  Tonight has not been the easiest for us.  We are about to enter the week that I feel in my heart to be the toughest.  Lilly is starting school.  What should be the happiest moment, up to this point of her short, amazing life, carries this deep pain for me with it.  I have, lately, found myself doing something that is out of character for me, comparing.  I think of all the parents that will be getting their kids ready for the same first day of school and my heart literally aches to think that Lilly will not have you there with her.  How many little girls will go home and show off what they did on the first day to their daddies, like she used to do with you.  How many husbands and wives are laying in bed right now talking about how fast the time went.

I guess the word I should be using is jealousy.

I have never really been one to look at another's life and be jealous...why would I?  A husband I could share everything with, an awesome daughter that is truly a blessing to this world, amazing friends and family.  Wants, yes, but jealousy, no.

Now, I notice it everyday.  A dad carrying his kid in the grocery store.  A couple at the movie theater.  And that very generic saying of "Why Me!!!" creeps up.  Don't get me wrong, do I wish it on those people, No!

I, of course, deal with these feelings myself.  I am really happy for Lilly to start school this week.  As you can imagine, she is super excited.  But even in this moment of excitement, she picks The Invisible String to read for her bedtime story.  She asks me questions about you going to Heaven again, some new like "how did daddy get there?", and others repeated like "does daddy miss us in heaven like we miss him?".  She told you about her weekend  and through in her usual, "I hope you're having fun with all of those Angels!"  She closes her eyes to go to sleep and says "I really wish my daddy was here and not in Heaven."  Me to.

This funk of comparing our new life to those all around me is bound to pass and I'm sure I'll find myself in some other funk to try to figure out. 



Your pep talk to Lilly about boys on her first day of Preschool


I wish you could be here to walk her to school.

Miss you more then words.
Luv Ya,
Jenn