Reality

Bud,
I started thinking I would write this to you when I first sat down to visit you tonight, our weekly ritual.  Than I got caught up watching this guy visiting his person.  We see him every week and I always have every intention of introducing myself or at least going down after he leaves to try to figure out who he is visiting every week at the same time we are here to see you...his brother, lover, parent, than I realized tonight it doesn't matter.  Isn't it weird how we can have something so in common with another person that we don't know, sorrow.  He does the same thing every week: get his edger out and weeds the space, waters, lifts these little weights that he has sitting under the bench and then just sits there with this look of sadness, like no matter what he does it doesn't really matter, it changed absolutely nothing.  It will be the same when he comes back next week and the week after that.  If I remember correctly his person has been there since 2009, 3 years.  That doesn't make it harder or more of a reality for me, it just is.  It is what I will be doing in 3 years from now, watching him weed whack his area while I am reading some book, pretending not to watch. It's what I have been doing almost every Friday for the past 2 months, realizing that this is what it is.  Don't think for a second that I am upset about this, I know that you would be doing the same.  Also, don't think that I am here alone or crying or even sitting here in some somber state the whole time.  Tonight we had some pretty good laughs.  I think I would have made you proud with some of my wise ass comments.  I learned from the best! No, Walsh, Ross, J, Ernie, Lance kept me company, or I should say I think we kept each other company.  At one point I said, shit, who would have thought 2 months ago we would be here on Friday nights, and J said it may not be where we want to be but it's where we are.  Isn't that the truth.  I pretty much feel that every day...this isn't where I want to be, but I'm here and I'm dealing.  

So now, as I sit out on our patio, watching a moon that is on it's way to being full, I  realize that things may not be as I would like them to be but it doesn't really matter.  Who really ever gets everything that they  want.  This is not some dumb reality show.  I'm sure that I don't sound like the over positive wife that you married 7 years ago and you're right, I'm not.  I'm positive when I need to be and realistic in my head the rest of the time.  That's reality.

This is the end to a not so easy week for me and you should know that I miss you more this week then I have so far.

Luv ya and miss you more then words,
Jenn

Happy Anniversary

Bud,
Happy Anniversary babe. I wish more then anything that you could be here with me in Seattle to celebrate it. We are taking Lilly to see Mary Poppins tonight and I know you would have hated every second of it with a big smile on your face and Lilly sitting on your lap.

I've been thinking a lot about our wedding this week and been sharing some of the best memories about it with Devon: everyone staying at Bahia for the entire weekend, the Hawaiian dancers, people dancing with entire champagne bottles in one hand, friends getting tickets in the parking while listening to the Lakers, and ending the night with you ripping through all the red envelopes before we had to catch our plane. The only part of the wedding that you had to be a part in planning, the music. Our first dance to what we thought was the perfect song: short, sweet and to the point.

Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan

Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I've tried
And your love is better than ice cream
But everyone here knows how to fight

And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from

Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I've tried
Oh, love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to cry

And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from

I miss you more than words and my heart aches for you today.

Luv ya,
Jenn

Time

Bud,
So I'm laying here in bed in Seattle. Watching the clock as it gets closer to that time. The time that 7 weeks ago changed everything. Time is so weird. It has allowed Lilly to get acclimated to your not being physically with us. It moves faster then I would like it to, kinda like when we would go to Hawaii and felt like we were leaving after we just got there... 2 weeks seemed like 2 days. It brought this trip to Seattle, now half-way done, way to quickly. And as much as I don't want it to be here, it's almost time for our 7th wedding anniversary. Wow, I remember it like yesterday.
But, on the other hand, time has almost stood still with our amazing friendships that we built over 17 years ago. Staying here with Devon, Jen, and Dave so many memories have made us laugh until we almost cried. We hadn't seen them in a while, but the time has made no difference at all. We are all still the same that we were back in high school in the ways that matter and have grown into "responsible" adults in the ways that are important. They have given me more then they could ever know over the past week. We really do have some amazing friends babe.
As much as I hate it, time will just keep on going. But, it's a relief to know that you will always be there too.

Miss you more then words.
Luv ya,
Jenn