Reality

Bud,
I started thinking I would write this to you when I first sat down to visit you tonight, our weekly ritual.  Than I got caught up watching this guy visiting his person.  We see him every week and I always have every intention of introducing myself or at least going down after he leaves to try to figure out who he is visiting every week at the same time we are here to see you...his brother, lover, parent, than I realized tonight it doesn't matter.  Isn't it weird how we can have something so in common with another person that we don't know, sorrow.  He does the same thing every week: get his edger out and weeds the space, waters, lifts these little weights that he has sitting under the bench and then just sits there with this look of sadness, like no matter what he does it doesn't really matter, it changed absolutely nothing.  It will be the same when he comes back next week and the week after that.  If I remember correctly his person has been there since 2009, 3 years.  That doesn't make it harder or more of a reality for me, it just is.  It is what I will be doing in 3 years from now, watching him weed whack his area while I am reading some book, pretending not to watch. It's what I have been doing almost every Friday for the past 2 months, realizing that this is what it is.  Don't think for a second that I am upset about this, I know that you would be doing the same.  Also, don't think that I am here alone or crying or even sitting here in some somber state the whole time.  Tonight we had some pretty good laughs.  I think I would have made you proud with some of my wise ass comments.  I learned from the best! No, Walsh, Ross, J, Ernie, Lance kept me company, or I should say I think we kept each other company.  At one point I said, shit, who would have thought 2 months ago we would be here on Friday nights, and J said it may not be where we want to be but it's where we are.  Isn't that the truth.  I pretty much feel that every day...this isn't where I want to be, but I'm here and I'm dealing.  

So now, as I sit out on our patio, watching a moon that is on it's way to being full, I  realize that things may not be as I would like them to be but it doesn't really matter.  Who really ever gets everything that they  want.  This is not some dumb reality show.  I'm sure that I don't sound like the over positive wife that you married 7 years ago and you're right, I'm not.  I'm positive when I need to be and realistic in my head the rest of the time.  That's reality.

This is the end to a not so easy week for me and you should know that I miss you more this week then I have so far.

Luv ya and miss you more then words,
Jenn