a month means nothing

Bud,

I wrote nothing to you in the month of October.

To be honest I started writing something about twenty times but never completed anything.  Not because I was constantly keeping busy or because I didn't want to.  I think because everytime I wrote I got a bit frustrated.

Frustrated that you're not here.  Frustrated that writing is the only option.  Frustrated that every single thing that happened in October you had to miss.

Going on the seventh month of you being gone and it feels like it was just the sixth month, the fifth month, even the first month.  A month means nothing.  That is the most frustrating part.  How much can happen in just one month (your birthday, Marcie's wedding, Lilly was Star Student, Disneyland a few times, Halloween) and yet for every single event it takes me 30 minutes to even get out of bed that morning, knowing that it has to be done without you there.

And yet for most, a month means a lot.  Family and friends that were just finding out they were pregnant when you died are now in the home stretch, babies have been born, best friends have gotten married; as is life, time goes happily by.  I feel like I'm in one of those movie scenes where everything is going on so quickly around me and I am standing still in the middle of it all.

So the month that you were always so excited for has come and gone.  And with friends and family around us all the time, truely being as supportive as can be my biggest frustration still: Loneliness.

I miss you every day and love you more then words.

Luv Ya,
Jenn

Mike's Birthday 2008