Bud,
How to even begin. There have been thoughts that I have replayed in my head countless times over the past year. This being a very one-sided conversation makes this easier to say those things. I know what your reply would be to all that I have to say and that's what brings me comfort. But, nonetheless, I have felt for a while that they should be said.
I am sorry for all the times that I kept you waiting on me. I know that you always hated when I said I was on my way in 10 minutes, when we both knew that I wasn't.
I am sorry I didn't say thank you enough for all that you did for me. There were times that I think that you didn't feel that I appreciated it, but I did.
I am sorry that I didn't push harder about the sick thing. I know that you depended on me to be the one that gets things done and I feel like I failed you when you needed it the most.
I am sorry that I wasn't holding your hand at the end. I have regretted not somehow being with you those last moments. I know the moment that you left us, but even if you weren't completely present, I think back to that night, almost exactly one year ago, and wish I knew I was the very last voice you heard.
I am sorry if there was anything involving your burial that wasn't exactly what you wanted, but I tried to do each thing with you might have wanted in mind.
Lastly, I am sorry if there are any decisions that I have made that are not exactly what you would have done over the past year. I have done my best in some areas and to be honest, not even cared about others and let them go.
When we decided to get married and then have Lilly I always knew that we worked best as a team. That yin-yang feeling. I made up in areas and you definitely picked up for my slack. Never was it in my plan to be on my own, and although I know that where Lilly comes in I have done good, our family will never be the way I wanted it to be.
What I have missed the most this past year is really just you being with us. The loneliness is more than I could have imagined. I do wish that I could somehow have that dream of peace. For some reason you are angry in every dream that I have had and that's not who you were when you were here.
I will continue with what we started together and keep you in mind with matters that involve Lilly.
I can not believe that as of now we have been without you for an entire year.
I miss you everyday and love you more than words.
Luv ya,
Jenn
