Things unsaid

Bud,
How to even begin. There have been thoughts that I have replayed in my head countless times over the past year.  This being a very one-sided conversation makes this easier to say those things.  I know what your reply would be to all that I have to say and that's what brings me comfort.  But, nonetheless, I have felt for a while that they should be said.

I am sorry for all the times that I kept you waiting on me.  I know that you always hated when I said I was on my way in 10 minutes, when we both knew that I wasn't.

I am sorry I didn't say thank you enough for all that you did for me.  There were times that I think that you didn't feel that I appreciated it, but I did.

I am sorry that I didn't push harder about the sick thing.  I know that you depended on me to be the one that gets things done and I feel like I failed you when you needed it the most.

I am sorry that I wasn't holding your hand at the end.  I have regretted not somehow being with you those last moments.  I know the moment that you left us, but even if you weren't completely present, I think back to that night, almost exactly one year ago, and wish I knew I was the very last voice you heard.

I am sorry if there was anything involving your burial that wasn't exactly what you wanted, but I tried to do each thing with you might have wanted in mind.

Lastly, I am sorry if there are any decisions that I have made that are not exactly what you would have done over the past year.  I have done my best in some areas and to be honest, not even cared about others and let them go.

When we decided to get married and then have Lilly I always knew that we worked best as a team.  That yin-yang feeling.  I made up in areas and you definitely picked up for my slack.  Never was it in my plan to be on my own, and although I know that where Lilly comes in I have done good, our family will never be the way I wanted it to be.

What I have missed the most this past year is really just you being with us.  The loneliness is more than I could have imagined.  I do wish that I could somehow have that dream of peace.  For some reason you are angry in every dream that I have had and that's not who you were when you were here. 

I will continue with what we started together and keep you in mind with matters that involve Lilly.

I can not believe that as of now we have been without you for an entire year.

I miss you everyday and love you more than words.

Luv ya,
Jenn