Lilly's birthday is tomorrow. Let's back up one week. Lilly's party was last Sunday, a week ago today. The party was perfect and completely over-the-top. Everything that I did or bought I could hear you saying "that's enough Jenn, she's only turning 5!" But, remember when she was a baby and we talked about this birthday? I said that when she turns 5 that I am having an Alice in Wonderland tea party. You said, what if she doesn't like tea parties? What if she wants another type of party instead? So we agreed, only Alice in Wonderland tea party if that's what she wanted. You know, I started planning details in March and we sat with my list one night after she went to sleep in the office and you let me show you every detail on the computer and you had your typical response "Oh my!" I now understand a little better why I started planning so early and had some peace of mind knowing that you were a part of the planning too.
I made it through, mostly, with no tears. Only when she blew out the candles did I really feel my throat close-up and tears welling up. Not for me but for her. It was a reminder that we won't be able to have these moments together with her. I know you would have been standing there next to her when she blew out the candles. You would have put her on the bike that you picked out (Peter went with me to make sure I remembered the right one). Most of all, when we got home from the party you and Lil would have sat in her room together and opened every single present and found its place in her room.
I have been reminded that you are in our hearts and I tell Lilly that every night when she says she misses you and closes her eyes and whispers to you about her day. But this week I am selfish, I don't want you in our hearts I would have liked to be together.
Today we are going to Dland with Chris, Darlene and Abby and tomorrow I am taking her again, like I know we would have done. She is super excited but not for the normal reason. She is excited because she says your shadow is there and she can't wait to be with you 2 days in a row. Last night, before we went to bed she watched video that you took with your phone and would text to me to make me jealous when just you and her were at Dland together. She replayed them over and over again, smiling every time you spoke. Thank God for those videos, her and I definitely needed to hear your voice this week.
Luv Ya
Jenn
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