what i've learned in three months

Bud,

I just got home from visiting the beautiful place with your friends and while driving home i was thinking of all the little things that keep popping up that i either never realized or even knew before these last three months.  things that i may have never really thought of until now.  some things that i never felt i would need to learn or think of.  other things that i just didn't pay attention to:
- lilly is more like you than i may have ever realized:
  - she covers her head with the blanket when the sun comes up every morning, just like you did
  - she laughs so loud that other people laugh along with her
  - she acts like she's listening to me and then says "what did you say"
  - she becomes friends with strangers everywhere we go
  - she organizes her fast food before she will eat it
- your friends:
  - they miss you more then you might have ever thought or realized they would
  - walsh is so much like you it's kinda crazy
  - lance likes spicy food, which for some reason i never thought he would
  - ross has been trying to keep me in line, which i need
  - we have all learned together just how precious life is(no matter how cheesy that sounds)
- me:
  - how annoying it is to have to get gas in two cars
  - how nice it was to have you come out to the car every night when i got home
  - how weird it is to not buy gaterade every time i go to the grocery store
  - how much work it is to keep lilly's room looking half way organized like you did
  - how even if it didn't seem like you were always listening it was nice to be able to just tell someone about my day

the most important thing that i am learning is that life is moving on all around me, whether or not i want it to.  i don't quite know how i feel about that yet but at least i can admit that i recognize it.  the next step, to deal with it.

i have missed you every day for the past three months more than words.

luv ya
jenn

happy 17th

Bud,

Can you believe that 17 years ago today you graduated High School! I was going through some of your high school stuff, folders, drawings, and found this picture. We were so young. It's a great memory. Thinking back to when our biggest concerns were who's driving who and when and where we were meeting up. I'm not gonna say that I knew from day one we would get married and start our Scheliga family, that would be silly to say when I was only 15. I will say that we were lucky to grow up together and in the same direction.

It's hard sometimes to remember when we were not together. It may not have always been perfect, but you always used to say the people that act like everything is perfect have the most to hide.

So, happy 17 years tonight. Wish you were here with me, I miss telling you about my day.

Miss you more then words.

Luv ya,
Jenn

together

Bud,

Lilly's birthday is tomorrow.  Let's back up one week.  Lilly's party was last Sunday, a week ago today.  The party was perfect and completely over-the-top.  Everything that I did or bought I could hear you saying "that's enough Jenn, she's only turning 5!"  But, remember when she was a baby and we talked about this birthday?  I said that when she turns 5 that I am having an Alice in Wonderland tea party.  You said, what if she doesn't like tea parties? What if she wants another type of party instead?  So we agreed, only Alice in Wonderland tea party if that's what she wanted.  You know, I started planning details in March and we sat with my list one night after she went to sleep in the office and you let me show you every detail on the computer and you had your typical response "Oh my!"  I now understand a little better why I started planning so early and had some peace of mind knowing that you were a part of the planning too. 
I made it through, mostly, with no tears.  Only when she blew out the candles did I really feel my throat close-up and tears welling up.  Not for me but for her.  It was a reminder that we won't be able to have these moments together with her.  I know you would have been standing there next to her when she blew out the candles.  You would have put her on the bike that you picked out (Peter went with me to make sure I remembered the right one).  Most of all, when we got home from the party you and Lil would have sat in her room together and opened every single present and found its place in her room. 

I have been reminded that you are in our hearts and I tell Lilly that every night when she says she misses you and closes her eyes and whispers to you about her day.  But this week I am selfish, I don't want you in our hearts I would have liked to be together.

Today we are going to Dland with Chris, Darlene and Abby and tomorrow I am taking her again, like I know we would have done.  She is super excited but not for the normal reason.  She is excited because she says your shadow is there and she can't wait to be with you 2 days in a row.  Last night, before we went to bed she watched video that you took with your phone and would text to me to make me jealous when just you and her were at Dland together.  She replayed them over and over again, smiling every time you spoke.  Thank God for those videos, her and I definitely needed to hear your voice this week.

Lilly misses you more and more every night and I miss you more then words.

Luv Ya
Jenn