thankful

Bud,

Thanksgiving morning and, shocker, I'm up early for no reason.  I see every person posting what they're thankful for.  Part of me says, ugh!  But a bigger part of me, the part of me writing this down, does have a lot to be thankful for.

I am thankful for Lilly and for EVERYTHING she brings to my life.  Without her I would have no sense of purpose.

I am thankful that you were able to stay at home with her since she was born.  You instilled in her so much in those almost 5 years.

I am thankful that we were able to travel and see so much together.  Those are memories that I will cherish with me for my lifetime.

I am thankful for your friends that care about Lilly and I so much.  They're always here for both of us even with their own busy lives..

I am thankful for all of my friends and family who are so supportive.  Their unconditional love has been felt every single day.

Lastly,

I am thankful for the 17 years I was able to spend with you.  Although, just the thought of you can be hard to bear sometimes.  Every picture will tell a story about us to Lilly and every memory, even the little tiny ones, bring a smile and comfort to me.

a month means nothing

Bud,

I wrote nothing to you in the month of October.

To be honest I started writing something about twenty times but never completed anything.  Not because I was constantly keeping busy or because I didn't want to.  I think because everytime I wrote I got a bit frustrated.

Frustrated that you're not here.  Frustrated that writing is the only option.  Frustrated that every single thing that happened in October you had to miss.

Going on the seventh month of you being gone and it feels like it was just the sixth month, the fifth month, even the first month.  A month means nothing.  That is the most frustrating part.  How much can happen in just one month (your birthday, Marcie's wedding, Lilly was Star Student, Disneyland a few times, Halloween) and yet for every single event it takes me 30 minutes to even get out of bed that morning, knowing that it has to be done without you there.

And yet for most, a month means a lot.  Family and friends that were just finding out they were pregnant when you died are now in the home stretch, babies have been born, best friends have gotten married; as is life, time goes happily by.  I feel like I'm in one of those movie scenes where everything is going on so quickly around me and I am standing still in the middle of it all.

So the month that you were always so excited for has come and gone.  And with friends and family around us all the time, truely being as supportive as can be my biggest frustration still: Loneliness.

I miss you every day and love you more then words.

Luv Ya,
Jenn

Mike's Birthday 2008

heaven

Bud,
One word that I wished Lil didn't have so much knowledge on: Heaven.  How many 5 year olds use it in their daily vocabulary, I should hope not many.  But, this has become part of our norm and is usually part of some version  of bedtime conversation.  Funny that bedtime is the time that we both miss you the most.  Everyday her curiosity and wanting of detail grows.  In the past 6 months it went from simply "What is Heaven?" to her very well thought out game plan tonight "We can all go together and then no one will miss anyone!"

But tonight was different.  It wasn't just questions but it was how it ended.  Tonight was the first time that Lilly really cried for you.  I think she realized that there is no going to Heaven to see you no matter what kind of idea she came up with, so she cried.  She misses her Daddy.  Not anything specific, just you.

How unfair that a 5 year old should have to go without something so special.  Her daddy.  All of the little things that only you knew to do with her are irreplaceable.  The love that you had for her and she has for you is unmeasurable.  It's what I have come to realize I will NEVER be able to fix.

I feel in my heart that these are the first tears of many that will follow.  You are in Heaven and we are here.  No game plan or waiving of her wand is going to change it and your little one has figured that out.

We miss you and love you more then words.

Luv Ya,
Jenn

"The Oak Tree"

Bud,

So every day I've been going through and reading a few of the many cards that I received over the past 5 months.  Each one is so personal.  The one I read today is from Grandma Betty:

A mighty wind blew night and day.

It stole the oak tree's leaves away,

Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark

Until the oak was tired and stark.

But still the oak tree held its ground

 While other trees fell all around.

The weary wind gave up and spoke,

"How can you still be standing , Oak?"

The oak tree said, "I know that you

Can break each branch of mine in two,

Carry every leaf away,

Shake my limbs, and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,

Growing stronger since my birth.

You'll never touch them, for you see,

They are the deepest part of me.

Until today, I wasn't sure

Of just how much I could endure.

But now I've found, with thanks to you,

I'm stronger than I ever knew."

Five months in and when the air turns on upstairs and moves the bedroom door I still jump thinking that it's you coming to bed.

Miss you more then words.

Luv Ya,

Jenn

comparison

Bud, 

Where to begin.  Tonight has not been the easiest for us.  We are about to enter the week that I feel in my heart to be the toughest.  Lilly is starting school.  What should be the happiest moment, up to this point of her short, amazing life, carries this deep pain for me with it.  I have, lately, found myself doing something that is out of character for me, comparing.  I think of all the parents that will be getting their kids ready for the same first day of school and my heart literally aches to think that Lilly will not have you there with her.  How many little girls will go home and show off what they did on the first day to their daddies, like she used to do with you.  How many husbands and wives are laying in bed right now talking about how fast the time went.

I guess the word I should be using is jealousy.

I have never really been one to look at another's life and be jealous...why would I?  A husband I could share everything with, an awesome daughter that is truly a blessing to this world, amazing friends and family.  Wants, yes, but jealousy, no.

Now, I notice it everyday.  A dad carrying his kid in the grocery store.  A couple at the movie theater.  And that very generic saying of "Why Me!!!" creeps up.  Don't get me wrong, do I wish it on those people, No!

I, of course, deal with these feelings myself.  I am really happy for Lilly to start school this week.  As you can imagine, she is super excited.  But even in this moment of excitement, she picks The Invisible String to read for her bedtime story.  She asks me questions about you going to Heaven again, some new like "how did daddy get there?", and others repeated like "does daddy miss us in heaven like we miss him?".  She told you about her weekend  and through in her usual, "I hope you're having fun with all of those Angels!"  She closes her eyes to go to sleep and says "I really wish my daddy was here and not in Heaven."  Me to.

This funk of comparing our new life to those all around me is bound to pass and I'm sure I'll find myself in some other funk to try to figure out. 



Your pep talk to Lilly about boys on her first day of Preschool


I wish you could be here to walk her to school.

Miss you more then words.
Luv Ya,
Jenn

amazing gift

Bud,

We missed you at Bri's party yesterday.  So much in fact that on the way home Lil and I decided to stop by to see you (with a pit stop to pick up a hot pink baby rose bush to plant, Lil's idea).  We stayed a while and Lance, Sarah and the kids came by to visit also.  As we left Lilly started with the questions.  First, who are all the other people visiting?  Are those people in Heaven with you?  Are they happy to be in Heaven like you are?  Do they like Heaven and think it's fun?  Then here comes her idea..." Mommy I got an idea, we should all move to Heaven instead of California(she just learned about CA).  We can all go, Grandpa's, Grandma's, Aunties, Uncles, friends.  Everyone would like it better and we wouldn't miss daddy anymore!"

Probably the best solution to this crappy situation ANYONE has given me!  If, of course, it were only that simple.

I would like to give you credit on this one, but I have a feeling, on this, she's ALL me.  You used to tell me "Jenn, you think too much!"  I even catch myself doing it sometimes now.  Well, our Lil is a thinker.  She put this messed up puzzle together and it looks better then I thought it would.  Of course we had a long chat while driving home about since Heaven is so great we can't ALL go at once.  We have to wait for our turn.  Then I told her I didn't plan on going for a long time and I hoped she would stay with me.  She then lightened my load by saying " that's fine as long as we can stop and get red Gatorade like daddy liked".

Damn, I'm lucky to have her!  I think back to February when I was showing pics of Lilly to Joseph's wife Morgan and she said "Lilly is truly a special gift to the world.  You can tell by looking at her that she is here for a purpose."  I remember telling you that and you beamed from ear to ear with pride. 

Who knew at that time how amazing of a gift she really is to all of us.

Miss ya more then words

Luv Ya,

Jenn

they just keep coming

Bud,
So this week has been full of memories of you: On Sunday we had a pool party for the 4th of July with awesome friends and family.  Something you would be surprised to hear, we have become friends with Manu, Kai and Omari and family. They all came. They are awesome people.  So weird that your passing is what brought us to meet.  We all had a fun time, but you were definitely missed.  For me there were times when I expected you to jump in the pool, come out of the house with your BBQ gear or be running around late night cleaning up the mess.  Then the fourth and fireworks. Something that you loved so much.  Where to go to see the best fireworks.  I think I have seen them more places then anyone else thanks to you.  I was thinking of last year at the top of the parking garage to watch at the Angels and then racing over to catch the Disneyland show.  This year we just walked down to the park and watched from there.  Lilly held her first sparkler and thought it was amazing! Wish it was you that would have lit it for her.  And now today, July 7, our anniversary. I remember 2 things like yesterday: 1.  When we first started dating on your graduation, spent every day together from that date until the end of the summer and on July 7 you asked, so are we dating? 2. On July 7 2004, our 10th anniversary, the first after we were married and you said to me, "we don't celebrate 2 anniversaries now, right?" 7794 was our password for everything for years. 
The week will end with an Angels game, our first without you.  We're going with Manu, his wife Stephanie and their 2 little ones.  If you don't already know, the Angels are doing pretty freakin good this year and hopefully won't disappoint like your Lakers did. And yes, I changed your tow-hitch for you to your Angels.

The end to a week that had some fun but always had a big hole in it for me.  I miss you.

Luv ya,
Jenn