Date Night

Bud,
Sitting here in bed reading through Facebook and it seems like the world is having "Date Night" tonight. So I was thinking back to what would have been our last date. It was a weeknight and we dropped Lilly off at your parents because you said I HAD to try the best new Sushi place in Riverside! The wait was over an hour on a Tuesday night and we sat outside on the brick wall freezing cold. Remember, you were getting annoyed with those people that had their baby out with just a onesie and no socks. We had all-you-can-eat and I laugh at how the owner came over to say hi to you, like you've known him for ever (big surprise). We tried to go grocery shopping after and everything I tried to buy you said "I'm too full, nothing sounds good for dinner this week!"
If I would have known it was our last date I would have wanted to go someplace more special. Maybe not insist on going grocery shopping after. Maybe stay out way longer and talk more.
Lilly had it right the other night when she asked if you could be with us just for another 5 minutes. I would take 5 minutes in a heartbeat, would give everything I have for it.
I'm missing my husband tonight.

Luv Ya and miss you more than words,
Jenny

With Us

Sharing a kiss on the Carousel

Bud,

We somehow did it.  One of the most difficult firsts for Lilly and I to get through, our first trip to Disneyland without you.  I didn't sleep last night thinking about it and this morning I could not have stalled anymore than I did.   I could actually hear you saying, "if you're gonna go today you better get going".  So we went.  I hid behind my sunglasses  right away, thank God it was so sunny out.  We went to CA Adventure first and to be honest, we had fun.  About half way through the day I got a text and I expected it to be from you, asking to send a picture of Lil, like you always did when you weren't with us. 

Lilly missed you when we went over to Disneyland.  That's when she had a hard time.  She said that she wished Daddy could be with us, even if just for five minutes.  I told her I did too.  Then she asked if it was OK to pretend that you were there.  I agreed and she didn't really say much else for a bit.  Then, just as we walked by the Mountain she called out for you, " Daddy catch up with us!" and made me stop the stroller to wait for you.  We did all her favorites: Carousel, Alice, Tea Cups, Small World, and ended with Winnie the Pooh.  When we got on the tram to come home, she asked if you could come with us and I told her that you would be waiting for us when we go back.  Then as we pulled away she yelled out to you " By Daddy, I miss you!"  Well, that about did it for me.  The people on the tram must have thought we were nuts between her waving to no one and me with tears down my cheeks.

We did have fun, that's the important part.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, there is literally nothing and know where that did not remind me of a  memory that we shared.  Oh, and I want to thank you for the awesome hat that we were lead to.  My new Billabong Bob Marley hat with the 3 Birds on it couldn't be more perfect.

We love you so much and miss you more than words.

Luv Ya,

Jenn

Guilty

Bud,

It's technically Easter, just after midnight.  In the weeks leading up to this weekend I wasn't sure how I would feel.  We had your 1 month anniversary on Friday and now today, Easter without you.  It's not like it was some HUGE holiday for you/us, it's just the first of many to creep up on me.  Now I know exactly how I feel about because I have been feeling this often about things lately, guilt.

I know that, as much as I would like it to, time does not stop.  Each day and what it has in store still smacks me in the face every morning.  But the guilt is what has been really packing a punch.  Not the guilt of your passing and what surrounds that, but the guilt of actually having to do these things, every single day, and with a smile for Lilly.  We went to Big Bear on Friday and really did have a good time! KC and Kristin were awesome and had so much in store for us and Lilly it was awesome.  But here it goes... having fun with Lilly in the snow(guilt), watching your Lakers while BBQing dinner(guilt), going fishing on the lake this morning(guilt), watching Lilly cast here line almost better than me(guilt), stopping at Jensen's on our way home and seeing your fav cookies(guilt), not making the time tonight to take Lilly to see you and drop off her pine cone that she brought you(guilt), ending the day at King Taco(guilt).  Think you get the picture. 

Everything that you would love, I can actually hear your voice, "you went without me?!?!"  The thing is, I know that you would want me to do these things, but the reality of doing them EVERYTIME without you is getting pretty heavy to handle.

So, here is a video I took of the snow angel that Lilly made, enjoy babe!

Luv Ya,

Jenn

Things I'm certain of

Bud,
We went to Paul Soholt's funeral today.  There are a few things that, if I was uncertain of, I'm certain of now.
First, Paul left behind an 11 month old daughter.  I am very certain that I am thankful that Lilly was able to spend the time she did with you.  During the service his brother said, "it's our job now to make sure that she learns about her dad through us". Sure, Lilly didn't get to have you for as long as I think she should have(for at least 60+ years of her life) but she knows you.  She knows how much you loved her (a ton)and she knows that she loved you with her whole heart.  She knows your favorite color, your favorite teams, your favorite drink and so much more. She knows that you would be here with her if you had a say in it.
The other thing I am certain of is our time together.  Although 17 years seemed like only the beginning to me, it was sure fun, wasn't it!  We used to joke about how people would say "wow you've been more places than I could only hope to in my lifetime".  Although there were SO many more places to go and things to experience I'm glad we were able to experience so many places together.  I have decided, though, that there are places that we will continue to travel to in your memory.
Lastly, you have left me with some amazing friends.  Friends that miss you so much everyday.  That will be there for me and I will be there for them.  That will continue what you started with Lilly. Things that only a daddy could share.  Fishing, soccer, riding a bike and all the other great things a daddy does.  There is absolutely no replacement for you, for that I am certain, but they will do their best to show her the way.
I'm missing you a bit more today.  The time thing is not really making a difference, as people say it does.

Luv ya,
Jenn

The Board

                          Just after sunset yesterday at the end of the pier.

Bud,
Yesterday Mindy and Marcie took Lilly for fun while I worked. We ended the day at the beach, Lilly's favorite place. Reminded me of how you used to come to the office with her and rush off after lunch.  Not to miss traffic but to go to the beach for a bit and then try to still miss traffic.  You guys loved going during the middle of the week in the middle of the day, the beach practically your own to play. 
Shawn was with us and I asked him for a favor.  While talking with Jon he told me something cool that you did.  He told me that you asked him to get you a board so you guys could go out with the girls.  Well, he got your board in and asked what I wanted to do with it.  Of course I want it. I can literally see your smile while walking in the house, "Lilly look what daddy got for us!" That would have been perfect. So, I'm going to let her know that daddy got her a special gift and give it to her on her birthday. Shawn is going to take her out and teach her to catch some waves.  Jon and Brandy will take Mercy and they'll have fun learning together. We'll go down and let her try it out with KC and Alex. She'll love it.
The best gift from the best daddy ever. Thanks babe!

Luv Ya,
Jenn

you were missing

Bud,
Went to watch your old team play soccer last night. Jeff is playing with them now and I couldn't help but think, " wow, like the old days". But it's not. Of course I had to quickly find a distraction as my eyes welled up a bit, so I started listening to 2 of the girl players as they were chatting about the game. "we just need better defense, that's our problem. remember that guy that played with us, what was his name? Mike. Jason should call him up and see where he's playing" There went my distraction! They lost and at the end for a second I was expecting you to walk off the field, sit on the ground, take off your cleats and put your Adidas sandals on. But you were missing. That was tougher then I thought, watching a game without you playing.
Lilly wants to start playing again. I wish you didn't have to miss out on that part; her getting amazing at soccer. Then I was reminded by someone in a card I got. She wrote that they say the first 5 years of a child's life are the foundation for the child's future. You built that foundation for 4 years and 10 months. You may not be on the sidelines to cheer her on or there at practice giving her pointers, but when she plays she will lpay the game that you taught her. I'm thankful for that.

Luv ya,
Jenn

my first letter to you

Bud,
We've been to see you a few times since last Friday, but when we're there I have a hard time talking to you. In part because Lil is there and I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to keep from crying and I know that you wouldn't want her to see that. Also, I think that what I need to tell you comes to mind at random parts of the day. Like when getting in the car to leave for work or while trying to relax a bit while getting a massage.

So, this will be my place to write you letters. One day, when Lil is old enough she can read and understand how much she helped me work through this shitty time.

So, let me start with what you would want to know.  Lilly is doing pretty well through all of this.  She seems to get that you’re not coming home.  She likes to go visit you; she calls it “The Beautiful place”.  Our friends and family have been amazing.  I am literally speechless when it comes to the way everyone has helped, both financially and emotionally.  You know we always joked about how you knew everyone and you used to say, “It’s cause they know where I stand, Jenn.  I don’t bullshit with them.  I tell it how it is and people like that.”  I didn’t always fully agree, but I agreed that it was something that made people like you.  You were right! It’s not just me, Lil, your parents, my parents, our siblings; it’s so many others that are at a loss right now.  The funny thing is, it’s all of the great memories that bring up the emotions for us.

I have had to make a lot of decisions for you over the past 3 weeks.  Thank God I knew you so well to be able to pretty confidently say, this is what he would or wouldn’t want.  Like stickering up your black “man” box and laughing away the offer of a dove release at your service.  It just makes me think of how well we really did know each other.  It was always nice to know that you knew my order at any place we would eat.  I guess that’s what 17 years gives you.  I think this is the part that has brought the most tears to me over the past week.  Every little thing that comes up every day that only you knew to do.  Like walking Lilly out to blow kisses in the morning when I leave for work, I could have told my dad, but was more angry that you weren’t there to do it. 

Lilly and I will settle in to a new routine and I promise to keep all of the parts that you felt were important in there, even the things I thought annoying.

It goes without saying, we miss you.

Love ya

Jenn