better without you here (this time)...

Bud-
Today I'm actually glad that you're not here.  It's hard enough for me to face this and the thought of both of us having to deal makes it actually easier on me that I'm alone in this decision.  Today, at 10:15am Kahana will be leaving this place. 

About 2 weeks ago she was just not herself.  I took her to the vet thinking that she had an Upper Respiratory Infection.  It is cancer. 

You know her, stubborn like her dad.  She refuses any attempt (and believe me I have tried everything) at taking any pills.  She has given up.  She stopped eating a few days ago and has been crying since yesterday.  I said my goodbye's.  I told her that, although, I am NOT ready for her to go, I know that it is her time.  I told her she has been the best dog ever.  I told her that I know that she has missed you. And I told her that any pain she is feeling, I will fix very soon.

She is such a part of you.  The dog you "always wanted".  The part of our family that we drove over 17 hours to bring home.  The first big decision we made as a married couple.  Your friend that you took to every football Sunday, whether your friends liked it or not.

Whoever came up with that saying "You're never given more than you can handle" is full of shit.  They were not a widow at 32.  They don't have a 5 year old daughter without a dad.  They were not betrayed by life and expected to wake up the next morning.  They have NO idea!

Will I continue to "handle", yes. Am I happy about it, no.  Do I feel that we've been dealt a crappy hand, absolutely. 

So Kahana is leaving our family.  We will make the best, as we are forced to, and continue to move forward.

I'm not sure if she will "join" you.  But, she won't be in pain anymore and that's what really matters to me.

Miss ya more then words.

Jenn

Things unsaid

Bud,
How to even begin. There have been thoughts that I have replayed in my head countless times over the past year.  This being a very one-sided conversation makes this easier to say those things.  I know what your reply would be to all that I have to say and that's what brings me comfort.  But, nonetheless, I have felt for a while that they should be said.

I am sorry for all the times that I kept you waiting on me.  I know that you always hated when I said I was on my way in 10 minutes, when we both knew that I wasn't.

I am sorry I didn't say thank you enough for all that you did for me.  There were times that I think that you didn't feel that I appreciated it, but I did.

I am sorry that I didn't push harder about the sick thing.  I know that you depended on me to be the one that gets things done and I feel like I failed you when you needed it the most.

I am sorry that I wasn't holding your hand at the end.  I have regretted not somehow being with you those last moments.  I know the moment that you left us, but even if you weren't completely present, I think back to that night, almost exactly one year ago, and wish I knew I was the very last voice you heard.

I am sorry if there was anything involving your burial that wasn't exactly what you wanted, but I tried to do each thing with you might have wanted in mind.

Lastly, I am sorry if there are any decisions that I have made that are not exactly what you would have done over the past year.  I have done my best in some areas and to be honest, not even cared about others and let them go.

When we decided to get married and then have Lilly I always knew that we worked best as a team.  That yin-yang feeling.  I made up in areas and you definitely picked up for my slack.  Never was it in my plan to be on my own, and although I know that where Lilly comes in I have done good, our family will never be the way I wanted it to be.

What I have missed the most this past year is really just you being with us.  The loneliness is more than I could have imagined.  I do wish that I could somehow have that dream of peace.  For some reason you are angry in every dream that I have had and that's not who you were when you were here. 

I will continue with what we started together and keep you in mind with matters that involve Lilly.

I can not believe that as of now we have been without you for an entire year.

I miss you everyday and love you more than words.

Luv ya,
Jenn

the week(or more)that keeps on giving

Bud,

As each week comes upon me I take it, living with the "it is what it is" modo.  But, damn, this one (give or take a few days) hits, below the belt.  My birthday, which is just the beginning.  With the attitude that I can totally handle this one.  Then the call that your headstone, of which I have been both dreading and counting down the days for, is arrived and ready.  You got nothing on me headstone.  Then, brace for it, the fucking Father-Daughter dance.  What?!?!?! Where did you come from.  I have thrown away every flyer and reminder from the school...hear no evil see no evil.  But, yet, Lilly wakes up in the morning to tell me how excited she was.  See, she had no clue that the word alone, "Father" has any bearing on her going.  It was a dance, and that's all she heard. So, when I said, "who are you taking?" she hadn't thought that far.  And why should she. I can almost guarantee that no other little girl had to think much into it.  Not the way Lil had to.  But, here we are, Grandpa-Granddaughter Dance upon us. 

And the kicker, Valentines Day, hanging over my head like a nasty black cloud.  The holiday that has so many mixed feelings...funny memories, lonely thoughts, and just plain down scarlet letter feelings, I guess I'll let ya know how that winds up.

I miss ya this week.

Luv Ya,
Jenn

soccer for dummies

Bud,
Lilly is ready to play soccer.  We registered last weekend and I got an email reminding me of what I have been thinking about(probably too much)...playing without you.

I'm disappointed that you won't be able to see her.  I'm also really realizing that I know nothing about soccer.  True, I've been to countless games to cheer you on, but it's not the same.  I was always so excited for her to play soccer, encouraged by your coaching.  I laugh to myself when I think how you had it all planned out...soccer, ballet for balance and prepping her for UCLA.  I told her about that the other day and she asked, "How did Daddy know that I wanted to do ballet?" 

I'll figure it out.  That's pretty much been my daily mantra over the past 10 months.  It's funny how that saying can go both ways for me: giving me confidence vs. expressing my ongoing frustration of how much there is to figure out.  Rarely the confidence and often the frustration. 

There are plenty of friends that can help her and that's awesome but sometimes I feel like, at some point, it's not up to them. 

So I'm back again at buying Soccer for Dummies.  I'm gonna figure this shit out on my own and just enjoy the company of all those friends while we watch Lilly play.  I can't guarantee UCLA but we'll do our best!

I have missed you everyday for the past 10 months,

Jenn