Bud,
Lilly is ready to play soccer. We registered last weekend and I got an email reminding me of what I have been thinking about(probably too much)...playing without you.
I'm disappointed that you won't be able to see her. I'm also really realizing that I know nothing about soccer. True, I've been to countless games to cheer you on, but it's not the same. I was always so excited for her to play soccer, encouraged by your coaching. I laugh to myself when I think how you had it all planned out...soccer, ballet for balance and prepping her for UCLA. I told her about that the other day and she asked, "How did Daddy know that I wanted to do ballet?"
I'll figure it out. That's pretty much been my daily mantra over the past 10 months. It's funny how that saying can go both ways for me: giving me confidence vs. expressing my ongoing frustration of how much there is to figure out. Rarely the confidence and often the frustration.
There are plenty of friends that can help her and that's awesome but sometimes I feel like, at some point, it's not up to them.
So I'm back again at buying Soccer for Dummies. I'm gonna figure this shit out on my own and just enjoy the company of all those friends while we watch Lilly play. I can't guarantee UCLA but we'll do our best!
I have missed you everyday for the past 10 months,
Jenn
Friday, January 27, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
another not a new
Bud,
New Year's Eve. Tomorrow is 2012. All I keep seeing and hearing is a "New" year. I especially enjoy the usual "I can't wait for 2012 because 2011 was so bad to me!" REALLY...defining my year by a single occurrence, I'm pretty certain that I could at least be in the top 5 of anyone that we know for a bad 2011. But, when I really think about it, apart from you missing in everything that we did, 2011 had a lot of exciting things in it. Having a 5 year old puts it in to perspective. Because, lets face it, that's what my life is really about now. She had about 167 days that were the "BEST DAY EVER!". Travel, school, holidays really drove us through the past 9 months and most of 2011. It never surprised me though, when in the midst of the excitement daddy almost always comes up. She notices you missing and says it aloud, as I am always thinking it but keep it to myself. You would be very proud of how much more she is like you then we ever knew.
I feel little to no excitement for 2012 to come upon us, to me it's just another year. To be honest, we'll probably watch the ball drop in New York and be done with the whole thing by 9:03pm. We'll continue doing what we do. More exciting things for Lilly which many of them will be new, just happening in a different year. I will continuee my same resolution that I began 9 months ago, just keep moving forward. We will keep keeping on. Maybe going in to 2013 I will have something else to say that puts a more positive spin on this "New" year thing, but for today it's just Saturday going on Sunday and the beginning of 2012.
The holidays just weren't the same without you and miss you more than words!
Luv ya,
Jenn
New Year's Eve. Tomorrow is 2012. All I keep seeing and hearing is a "New" year. I especially enjoy the usual "I can't wait for 2012 because 2011 was so bad to me!" REALLY...defining my year by a single occurrence, I'm pretty certain that I could at least be in the top 5 of anyone that we know for a bad 2011. But, when I really think about it, apart from you missing in everything that we did, 2011 had a lot of exciting things in it. Having a 5 year old puts it in to perspective. Because, lets face it, that's what my life is really about now. She had about 167 days that were the "BEST DAY EVER!". Travel, school, holidays really drove us through the past 9 months and most of 2011. It never surprised me though, when in the midst of the excitement daddy almost always comes up. She notices you missing and says it aloud, as I am always thinking it but keep it to myself. You would be very proud of how much more she is like you then we ever knew.
I feel little to no excitement for 2012 to come upon us, to me it's just another year. To be honest, we'll probably watch the ball drop in New York and be done with the whole thing by 9:03pm. We'll continue doing what we do. More exciting things for Lilly which many of them will be new, just happening in a different year. I will continuee my same resolution that I began 9 months ago, just keep moving forward. We will keep keeping on. Maybe going in to 2013 I will have something else to say that puts a more positive spin on this "New" year thing, but for today it's just Saturday going on Sunday and the beginning of 2012.
The holidays just weren't the same without you and miss you more than words!
Luv ya,
Jenn
Sunday, December 18, 2011
the best christmas ever?
Bud,
One week until Christmas. Normally super exciting. But as I lay awake, getting maybe only 4 good hours of sleep again, excitement just escapes me.
We have had a lot of really special, fun times already this month: driving around and light hunting, Mission Inn, parties, Bri's recital, Lilly's holiday party, Disneyland a few times. And although each one carries with it an emptiness, we have had fun. Especially Lil, who loves to remind us that this is the best Christmas ever! This phrase, that we hear almost daily, is like music and daggers at the same time to me. I am so happy and relieved that, with all that has happened, our sweet girl can have this feeling about Christmas. But to me, I think, really?!?!?! This, the best Christmas?!?!?! How can it be! Of course the key word is think. I would NEVER let on that I too do not believe in this "best Christmas ever" mantra.
Wish you were here to really make this the best Christmas ever.
Luv ya,
Jenn
One week until Christmas. Normally super exciting. But as I lay awake, getting maybe only 4 good hours of sleep again, excitement just escapes me.
We have had a lot of really special, fun times already this month: driving around and light hunting, Mission Inn, parties, Bri's recital, Lilly's holiday party, Disneyland a few times. And although each one carries with it an emptiness, we have had fun. Especially Lil, who loves to remind us that this is the best Christmas ever! This phrase, that we hear almost daily, is like music and daggers at the same time to me. I am so happy and relieved that, with all that has happened, our sweet girl can have this feeling about Christmas. But to me, I think, really?!?!?! This, the best Christmas?!?!?! How can it be! Of course the key word is think. I would NEVER let on that I too do not believe in this "best Christmas ever" mantra.
Wish you were here to really make this the best Christmas ever.
Luv ya,
Jenn
Thursday, November 24, 2011
thankful
Bud,
Thanksgiving morning and, shocker, I'm up early for no reason. I see every person posting what they're thankful for. Part of me says, ugh! But a bigger part of me, the part of me writing this down, does have a lot to be thankful for.
I am thankful for Lilly and for EVERYTHING she brings to my life. Without her I would have no sense of purpose.
I am thankful that you were able to stay at home with her since she was born. You instilled in her so much in those almost 5 years.
I am thankful that we were able to travel and see so much together. Those are memories that I will cherish with me for my lifetime.
I am thankful for your friends that care about Lilly and I so much. They're always here for both of us even with their own busy lives..
I am thankful for all of my friends and family who are so supportive. Their unconditional love has been felt every single day.
Lastly,
I am thankful for the 17 years I was able to spend with you. Although, just the thought of you can be hard to bear sometimes. Every picture will tell a story about us to Lilly and every memory, even the little tiny ones, bring a smile and comfort to me.
Thanksgiving morning and, shocker, I'm up early for no reason. I see every person posting what they're thankful for. Part of me says, ugh! But a bigger part of me, the part of me writing this down, does have a lot to be thankful for.
I am thankful for Lilly and for EVERYTHING she brings to my life. Without her I would have no sense of purpose.
I am thankful that you were able to stay at home with her since she was born. You instilled in her so much in those almost 5 years.
I am thankful that we were able to travel and see so much together. Those are memories that I will cherish with me for my lifetime.
I am thankful for your friends that care about Lilly and I so much. They're always here for both of us even with their own busy lives..
I am thankful for all of my friends and family who are so supportive. Their unconditional love has been felt every single day.
Lastly,
I am thankful for the 17 years I was able to spend with you. Although, just the thought of you can be hard to bear sometimes. Every picture will tell a story about us to Lilly and every memory, even the little tiny ones, bring a smile and comfort to me.
Friday, November 4, 2011
a month means nothing
Bud,
I wrote nothing to you in the month of October.
To be honest I started writing something about twenty times but never completed anything. Not because I was constantly keeping busy or because I didn't want to. I think because everytime I wrote I got a bit frustrated.
Frustrated that you're not here. Frustrated that writing is the only option. Frustrated that every single thing that happened in October you had to miss.
Going on the seventh month of you being gone and it feels like it was just the sixth month, the fifth month, even the first month. A month means nothing. That is the most frustrating part. How much can happen in just one month (your birthday, Marcie's wedding, Lilly was Star Student, Disneyland a few times, Halloween) and yet for every single event it takes me 30 minutes to even get out of bed that morning, knowing that it has to be done without you there.
And yet for most, a month means a lot. Family and friends that were just finding out they were pregnant when you died are now in the home stretch, babies have been born, best friends have gotten married; as is life, time goes happily by. I feel like I'm in one of those movie scenes where everything is going on so quickly around me and I am standing still in the middle of it all.
So the month that you were always so excited for has come and gone. And with friends and family around us all the time, truely being as supportive as can be my biggest frustration still: Loneliness.
I miss you every day and love you more then words.
Luv Ya,
Jenn
I wrote nothing to you in the month of October.
To be honest I started writing something about twenty times but never completed anything. Not because I was constantly keeping busy or because I didn't want to. I think because everytime I wrote I got a bit frustrated.
Frustrated that you're not here. Frustrated that writing is the only option. Frustrated that every single thing that happened in October you had to miss.
Going on the seventh month of you being gone and it feels like it was just the sixth month, the fifth month, even the first month. A month means nothing. That is the most frustrating part. How much can happen in just one month (your birthday, Marcie's wedding, Lilly was Star Student, Disneyland a few times, Halloween) and yet for every single event it takes me 30 minutes to even get out of bed that morning, knowing that it has to be done without you there.
And yet for most, a month means a lot. Family and friends that were just finding out they were pregnant when you died are now in the home stretch, babies have been born, best friends have gotten married; as is life, time goes happily by. I feel like I'm in one of those movie scenes where everything is going on so quickly around me and I am standing still in the middle of it all.
So the month that you were always so excited for has come and gone. And with friends and family around us all the time, truely being as supportive as can be my biggest frustration still: Loneliness.
I miss you every day and love you more then words.
Luv Ya,
Jenn
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| Mike's Birthday 2008 |
Sunday, September 18, 2011
heaven
Bud,
One word that I wished Lil didn't have so much knowledge on: Heaven. How many 5 year olds use it in their daily vocabulary, I should hope not many. But, this has become part of our norm and is usually part of some version of bedtime conversation. Funny that bedtime is the time that we both miss you the most. Everyday her curiosity and wanting of detail grows. In the past 6 months it went from simply "What is Heaven?" to her very well thought out game plan tonight "We can all go together and then no one will miss anyone!"
But tonight was different. It wasn't just questions but it was how it ended. Tonight was the first time that Lilly really cried for you. I think she realized that there is no going to Heaven to see you no matter what kind of idea she came up with, so she cried. She misses her Daddy. Not anything specific, just you.
How unfair that a 5 year old should have to go without something so special. Her daddy. All of the little things that only you knew to do with her are irreplaceable. The love that you had for her and she has for you is unmeasurable. It's what I have come to realize I will NEVER be able to fix.
I feel in my heart that these are the first tears of many that will follow. You are in Heaven and we are here. No game plan or waiving of her wand is going to change it and your little one has figured that out.
We miss you and love you more then words.
Luv Ya,
Jenn
One word that I wished Lil didn't have so much knowledge on: Heaven. How many 5 year olds use it in their daily vocabulary, I should hope not many. But, this has become part of our norm and is usually part of some version of bedtime conversation. Funny that bedtime is the time that we both miss you the most. Everyday her curiosity and wanting of detail grows. In the past 6 months it went from simply "What is Heaven?" to her very well thought out game plan tonight "We can all go together and then no one will miss anyone!"
But tonight was different. It wasn't just questions but it was how it ended. Tonight was the first time that Lilly really cried for you. I think she realized that there is no going to Heaven to see you no matter what kind of idea she came up with, so she cried. She misses her Daddy. Not anything specific, just you.
How unfair that a 5 year old should have to go without something so special. Her daddy. All of the little things that only you knew to do with her are irreplaceable. The love that you had for her and she has for you is unmeasurable. It's what I have come to realize I will NEVER be able to fix.
I feel in my heart that these are the first tears of many that will follow. You are in Heaven and we are here. No game plan or waiving of her wand is going to change it and your little one has figured that out.
We miss you and love you more then words.
Luv Ya,
Jenn
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
"The Oak Tree"
Bud,
So every day I've been going through and reading a few of the many cards that I received over the past 5 months. Each one is so personal. The one I read today is from Grandma Betty:
So every day I've been going through and reading a few of the many cards that I received over the past 5 months. Each one is so personal. The one I read today is from Grandma Betty:
A mighty wind blew night and day.
It stole the oak tree's leaves away,
Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
Until the oak was tired and stark.
But still the oak tree held its ground
While other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke,
"How can you still be standing , Oak?"
The oak tree said, "I know that you
Can break each branch of mine in two,
Carry every leaf away,
Shake my limbs, and make me sway.
But I have roots stretched in the earth,
Growing stronger since my birth.
You'll never touch them, for you see,
They are the deepest part of me.
Until today, I wasn't sure
Of just how much I could endure.
But now I've found, with thanks to you,
I'm stronger than I ever knew."
Five months in and when the air turns on upstairs and moves the bedroom door I still jump thinking that it's you coming to bed.
Miss you more then words.
Luv Ya,
Jenn
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