my first letter to you

Bud,
We've been to see you a few times since last Friday, but when we're there I have a hard time talking to you. In part because Lil is there and I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to keep from crying and I know that you wouldn't want her to see that. Also, I think that what I need to tell you comes to mind at random parts of the day. Like when getting in the car to leave for work or while trying to relax a bit while getting a massage.

So, this will be my place to write you letters. One day, when Lil is old enough she can read and understand how much she helped me work through this shitty time.

So, let me start with what you would want to know.  Lilly is doing pretty well through all of this.  She seems to get that you’re not coming home.  She likes to go visit you; she calls it “The Beautiful place”.  Our friends and family have been amazing.  I am literally speechless when it comes to the way everyone has helped, both financially and emotionally.  You know we always joked about how you knew everyone and you used to say, “It’s cause they know where I stand, Jenn.  I don’t bullshit with them.  I tell it how it is and people like that.”  I didn’t always fully agree, but I agreed that it was something that made people like you.  You were right! It’s not just me, Lil, your parents, my parents, our siblings; it’s so many others that are at a loss right now.  The funny thing is, it’s all of the great memories that bring up the emotions for us.

I have had to make a lot of decisions for you over the past 3 weeks.  Thank God I knew you so well to be able to pretty confidently say, this is what he would or wouldn’t want.  Like stickering up your black “man” box and laughing away the offer of a dove release at your service.  It just makes me think of how well we really did know each other.  It was always nice to know that you knew my order at any place we would eat.  I guess that’s what 17 years gives you.  I think this is the part that has brought the most tears to me over the past week.  Every little thing that comes up every day that only you knew to do.  Like walking Lilly out to blow kisses in the morning when I leave for work, I could have told my dad, but was more angry that you weren’t there to do it. 

Lilly and I will settle in to a new routine and I promise to keep all of the parts that you felt were important in there, even the things I thought annoying.

It goes without saying, we miss you.

Love ya

Jenn