Bud,
I just got home from visiting the beautiful place with your friends and while driving home i was thinking of all the little things that keep popping up that i either never realized or even knew before these last three months. things that i may have never really thought of until now. some things that i never felt i would need to learn or think of. other things that i just didn't pay attention to:
- lilly is more like you than i may have ever realized:
- she covers her head with the blanket when the sun comes up every morning, just like you did
- she laughs so loud that other people laugh along with her
- she acts like she's listening to me and then says "what did you say"
- she becomes friends with strangers everywhere we go
- she organizes her fast food before she will eat it
- your friends:
- they miss you more then you might have ever thought or realized they would
- walsh is so much like you it's kinda crazy
- lance likes spicy food, which for some reason i never thought he would
- ross has been trying to keep me in line, which i need
- we have all learned together just how precious life is(no matter how cheesy that sounds)
- me:
- how annoying it is to have to get gas in two cars
- how nice it was to have you come out to the car every night when i got home
- how weird it is to not buy gaterade every time i go to the grocery store
- how much work it is to keep lilly's room looking half way organized like you did
- how even if it didn't seem like you were always listening it was nice to be able to just tell someone about my day
the most important thing that i am learning is that life is moving on all around me, whether or not i want it to. i don't quite know how i feel about that yet but at least i can admit that i recognize it. the next step, to deal with it.
i have missed you every day for the past three months more than words.
luv ya
jenn
Friday, June 24, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
happy 17th
Bud,
Can you believe that 17 years ago today you graduated High School! I was going through some of your high school stuff, folders, drawings, and found this picture. We were so young. It's a great memory. Thinking back to when our biggest concerns were who's driving who and when and where we were meeting up. I'm not gonna say that I knew from day one we would get married and start our Scheliga family, that would be silly to say when I was only 15. I will say that we were lucky to grow up together and in the same direction.
It's hard sometimes to remember when we were not together. It may not have always been perfect, but you always used to say the people that act like everything is perfect have the most to hide.
So, happy 17 years tonight. Wish you were here with me, I miss telling you about my day.
Miss you more then words.
Luv ya,
Jenn
Can you believe that 17 years ago today you graduated High School! I was going through some of your high school stuff, folders, drawings, and found this picture. We were so young. It's a great memory. Thinking back to when our biggest concerns were who's driving who and when and where we were meeting up. I'm not gonna say that I knew from day one we would get married and start our Scheliga family, that would be silly to say when I was only 15. I will say that we were lucky to grow up together and in the same direction.
It's hard sometimes to remember when we were not together. It may not have always been perfect, but you always used to say the people that act like everything is perfect have the most to hide.
So, happy 17 years tonight. Wish you were here with me, I miss telling you about my day.
Miss you more then words.
Luv ya,
Jenn
Sunday, June 5, 2011
together
Bud,
Lilly's birthday is tomorrow. Let's back up one week. Lilly's party was last Sunday, a week ago today. The party was perfect and completely over-the-top. Everything that I did or bought I could hear you saying "that's enough Jenn, she's only turning 5!" But, remember when she was a baby and we talked about this birthday? I said that when she turns 5 that I am having an Alice in Wonderland tea party. You said, what if she doesn't like tea parties? What if she wants another type of party instead? So we agreed, only Alice in Wonderland tea party if that's what she wanted. You know, I started planning details in March and we sat with my list one night after she went to sleep in the office and you let me show you every detail on the computer and you had your typical response "Oh my!" I now understand a little better why I started planning so early and had some peace of mind knowing that you were a part of the planning too.
I made it through, mostly, with no tears. Only when she blew out the candles did I really feel my throat close-up and tears welling up. Not for me but for her. It was a reminder that we won't be able to have these moments together with her. I know you would have been standing there next to her when she blew out the candles. You would have put her on the bike that you picked out (Peter went with me to make sure I remembered the right one). Most of all, when we got home from the party you and Lil would have sat in her room together and opened every single present and found its place in her room.
I have been reminded that you are in our hearts and I tell Lilly that every night when she says she misses you and closes her eyes and whispers to you about her day. But this week I am selfish, I don't want you in our hearts I would have liked to be together.
Lilly misses you more and more every night and I miss you more then words.
Luv Ya
Jenn
Lilly's birthday is tomorrow. Let's back up one week. Lilly's party was last Sunday, a week ago today. The party was perfect and completely over-the-top. Everything that I did or bought I could hear you saying "that's enough Jenn, she's only turning 5!" But, remember when she was a baby and we talked about this birthday? I said that when she turns 5 that I am having an Alice in Wonderland tea party. You said, what if she doesn't like tea parties? What if she wants another type of party instead? So we agreed, only Alice in Wonderland tea party if that's what she wanted. You know, I started planning details in March and we sat with my list one night after she went to sleep in the office and you let me show you every detail on the computer and you had your typical response "Oh my!" I now understand a little better why I started planning so early and had some peace of mind knowing that you were a part of the planning too.
I made it through, mostly, with no tears. Only when she blew out the candles did I really feel my throat close-up and tears welling up. Not for me but for her. It was a reminder that we won't be able to have these moments together with her. I know you would have been standing there next to her when she blew out the candles. You would have put her on the bike that you picked out (Peter went with me to make sure I remembered the right one). Most of all, when we got home from the party you and Lil would have sat in her room together and opened every single present and found its place in her room.
I have been reminded that you are in our hearts and I tell Lilly that every night when she says she misses you and closes her eyes and whispers to you about her day. But this week I am selfish, I don't want you in our hearts I would have liked to be together.
Today we are going to Dland with Chris, Darlene and Abby and tomorrow I am taking her again, like I know we would have done. She is super excited but not for the normal reason. She is excited because she says your shadow is there and she can't wait to be with you 2 days in a row. Last night, before we went to bed she watched video that you took with your phone and would text to me to make me jealous when just you and her were at Dland together. She replayed them over and over again, smiling every time you spoke. Thank God for those videos, her and I definitely needed to hear your voice this week.
Luv Ya
Jenn
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Reality
Bud,
I started thinking I would write this to you when I first sat down to visit you tonight, our weekly ritual. Than I got caught up watching this guy visiting his person. We see him every week and I always have every intention of introducing myself or at least going down after he leaves to try to figure out who he is visiting every week at the same time we are here to see you...his brother, lover, parent, than I realized tonight it doesn't matter. Isn't it weird how we can have something so in common with another person that we don't know, sorrow. He does the same thing every week: get his edger out and weeds the space, waters, lifts these little weights that he has sitting under the bench and then just sits there with this look of sadness, like no matter what he does it doesn't really matter, it changed absolutely nothing. It will be the same when he comes back next week and the week after that. If I remember correctly his person has been there since 2009, 3 years. That doesn't make it harder or more of a reality for me, it just is. It is what I will be doing in 3 years from now, watching him weed whack his area while I am reading some book, pretending not to watch. It's what I have been doing almost every Friday for the past 2 months, realizing that this is what it is. Don't think for a second that I am upset about this, I know that you would be doing the same. Also, don't think that I am here alone or crying or even sitting here in some somber state the whole time. Tonight we had some pretty good laughs. I think I would have made you proud with some of my wise ass comments. I learned from the best! No, Walsh, Ross, J, Ernie, Lance kept me company, or I should say I think we kept each other company. At one point I said, shit, who would have thought 2 months ago we would be here on Friday nights, and J said it may not be where we want to be but it's where we are. Isn't that the truth. I pretty much feel that every day...this isn't where I want to be, but I'm here and I'm dealing.
So now, as I sit out on our patio, watching a moon that is on it's way to being full, I realize that things may not be as I would like them to be but it doesn't really matter. Who really ever gets everything that they want. This is not some dumb reality show. I'm sure that I don't sound like the over positive wife that you married 7 years ago and you're right, I'm not. I'm positive when I need to be and realistic in my head the rest of the time. That's reality.
This is the end to a not so easy week for me and you should know that I miss you more this week then I have so far.
Luv ya and miss you more then words,
Jenn
I started thinking I would write this to you when I first sat down to visit you tonight, our weekly ritual. Than I got caught up watching this guy visiting his person. We see him every week and I always have every intention of introducing myself or at least going down after he leaves to try to figure out who he is visiting every week at the same time we are here to see you...his brother, lover, parent, than I realized tonight it doesn't matter. Isn't it weird how we can have something so in common with another person that we don't know, sorrow. He does the same thing every week: get his edger out and weeds the space, waters, lifts these little weights that he has sitting under the bench and then just sits there with this look of sadness, like no matter what he does it doesn't really matter, it changed absolutely nothing. It will be the same when he comes back next week and the week after that. If I remember correctly his person has been there since 2009, 3 years. That doesn't make it harder or more of a reality for me, it just is. It is what I will be doing in 3 years from now, watching him weed whack his area while I am reading some book, pretending not to watch. It's what I have been doing almost every Friday for the past 2 months, realizing that this is what it is. Don't think for a second that I am upset about this, I know that you would be doing the same. Also, don't think that I am here alone or crying or even sitting here in some somber state the whole time. Tonight we had some pretty good laughs. I think I would have made you proud with some of my wise ass comments. I learned from the best! No, Walsh, Ross, J, Ernie, Lance kept me company, or I should say I think we kept each other company. At one point I said, shit, who would have thought 2 months ago we would be here on Friday nights, and J said it may not be where we want to be but it's where we are. Isn't that the truth. I pretty much feel that every day...this isn't where I want to be, but I'm here and I'm dealing.
So now, as I sit out on our patio, watching a moon that is on it's way to being full, I realize that things may not be as I would like them to be but it doesn't really matter. Who really ever gets everything that they want. This is not some dumb reality show. I'm sure that I don't sound like the over positive wife that you married 7 years ago and you're right, I'm not. I'm positive when I need to be and realistic in my head the rest of the time. That's reality.
This is the end to a not so easy week for me and you should know that I miss you more this week then I have so far.
Luv ya and miss you more then words,
Jenn
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Happy Anniversary
Bud,
Happy Anniversary babe. I wish more then anything that you could be here with me in Seattle to celebrate it. We are taking Lilly to see Mary Poppins tonight and I know you would have hated every second of it with a big smile on your face and Lilly sitting on your lap.
I've been thinking a lot about our wedding this week and been sharing some of the best memories about it with Devon: everyone staying at Bahia for the entire weekend, the Hawaiian dancers, people dancing with entire champagne bottles in one hand, friends getting tickets in the parking while listening to the Lakers, and ending the night with you ripping through all the red envelopes before we had to catch our plane. The only part of the wedding that you had to be a part in planning, the music. Our first dance to what we thought was the perfect song: short, sweet and to the point.
Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan
Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I've tried
And your love is better than ice cream
But everyone here knows how to fight
And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from
Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I've tried
Oh, love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to cry
And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from
I miss you more than words and my heart aches for you today.
Luv ya,
Jenn
Happy Anniversary babe. I wish more then anything that you could be here with me in Seattle to celebrate it. We are taking Lilly to see Mary Poppins tonight and I know you would have hated every second of it with a big smile on your face and Lilly sitting on your lap.
I've been thinking a lot about our wedding this week and been sharing some of the best memories about it with Devon: everyone staying at Bahia for the entire weekend, the Hawaiian dancers, people dancing with entire champagne bottles in one hand, friends getting tickets in the parking while listening to the Lakers, and ending the night with you ripping through all the red envelopes before we had to catch our plane. The only part of the wedding that you had to be a part in planning, the music. Our first dance to what we thought was the perfect song: short, sweet and to the point.
Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan
Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I've tried
And your love is better than ice cream
But everyone here knows how to fight
And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from
Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I've tried
Oh, love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to cry
And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from
I miss you more than words and my heart aches for you today.
Luv ya,
Jenn
Friday, May 13, 2011
Time
Bud,
So I'm laying here in bed in Seattle. Watching the clock as it gets closer to that time. The time that 7 weeks ago changed everything. Time is so weird. It has allowed Lilly to get acclimated to your not being physically with us. It moves faster then I would like it to, kinda like when we would go to Hawaii and felt like we were leaving after we just got there... 2 weeks seemed like 2 days. It brought this trip to Seattle, now half-way done, way to quickly. And as much as I don't want it to be here, it's almost time for our 7th wedding anniversary. Wow, I remember it like yesterday.
But, on the other hand, time has almost stood still with our amazing friendships that we built over 17 years ago. Staying here with Devon, Jen, and Dave so many memories have made us laugh until we almost cried. We hadn't seen them in a while, but the time has made no difference at all. We are all still the same that we were back in high school in the ways that matter and have grown into "responsible" adults in the ways that are important. They have given me more then they could ever know over the past week. We really do have some amazing friends babe.
As much as I hate it, time will just keep on going. But, it's a relief to know that you will always be there too.
Miss you more then words.
Luv ya,
Jenn
So I'm laying here in bed in Seattle. Watching the clock as it gets closer to that time. The time that 7 weeks ago changed everything. Time is so weird. It has allowed Lilly to get acclimated to your not being physically with us. It moves faster then I would like it to, kinda like when we would go to Hawaii and felt like we were leaving after we just got there... 2 weeks seemed like 2 days. It brought this trip to Seattle, now half-way done, way to quickly. And as much as I don't want it to be here, it's almost time for our 7th wedding anniversary. Wow, I remember it like yesterday.
But, on the other hand, time has almost stood still with our amazing friendships that we built over 17 years ago. Staying here with Devon, Jen, and Dave so many memories have made us laugh until we almost cried. We hadn't seen them in a while, but the time has made no difference at all. We are all still the same that we were back in high school in the ways that matter and have grown into "responsible" adults in the ways that are important. They have given me more then they could ever know over the past week. We really do have some amazing friends babe.
As much as I hate it, time will just keep on going. But, it's a relief to know that you will always be there too.
Miss you more then words.
Luv ya,
Jenn
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Date Night
Bud,
Sitting here in bed reading through Facebook and it seems like the world is having "Date Night" tonight. So I was thinking back to what would have been our last date. It was a weeknight and we dropped Lilly off at your parents because you said I HAD to try the best new Sushi place in Riverside! The wait was over an hour on a Tuesday night and we sat outside on the brick wall freezing cold. Remember, you were getting annoyed with those people that had their baby out with just a onesie and no socks. We had all-you-can-eat and I laugh at how the owner came over to say hi to you, like you've known him for ever (big surprise). We tried to go grocery shopping after and everything I tried to buy you said "I'm too full, nothing sounds good for dinner this week!"
If I would have known it was our last date I would have wanted to go someplace more special. Maybe not insist on going grocery shopping after. Maybe stay out way longer and talk more.
Lilly had it right the other night when she asked if you could be with us just for another 5 minutes. I would take 5 minutes in a heartbeat, would give everything I have for it.
I'm missing my husband tonight.
Luv Ya and miss you more than words,
Jenny
Sitting here in bed reading through Facebook and it seems like the world is having "Date Night" tonight. So I was thinking back to what would have been our last date. It was a weeknight and we dropped Lilly off at your parents because you said I HAD to try the best new Sushi place in Riverside! The wait was over an hour on a Tuesday night and we sat outside on the brick wall freezing cold. Remember, you were getting annoyed with those people that had their baby out with just a onesie and no socks. We had all-you-can-eat and I laugh at how the owner came over to say hi to you, like you've known him for ever (big surprise). We tried to go grocery shopping after and everything I tried to buy you said "I'm too full, nothing sounds good for dinner this week!"
If I would have known it was our last date I would have wanted to go someplace more special. Maybe not insist on going grocery shopping after. Maybe stay out way longer and talk more.
Lilly had it right the other night when she asked if you could be with us just for another 5 minutes. I would take 5 minutes in a heartbeat, would give everything I have for it.
I'm missing my husband tonight.
Luv Ya and miss you more than words,
Jenny
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