Things unsaid

Bud,
How to even begin. There have been thoughts that I have replayed in my head countless times over the past year.  This being a very one-sided conversation makes this easier to say those things.  I know what your reply would be to all that I have to say and that's what brings me comfort.  But, nonetheless, I have felt for a while that they should be said.

I am sorry for all the times that I kept you waiting on me.  I know that you always hated when I said I was on my way in 10 minutes, when we both knew that I wasn't.

I am sorry I didn't say thank you enough for all that you did for me.  There were times that I think that you didn't feel that I appreciated it, but I did.

I am sorry that I didn't push harder about the sick thing.  I know that you depended on me to be the one that gets things done and I feel like I failed you when you needed it the most.

I am sorry that I wasn't holding your hand at the end.  I have regretted not somehow being with you those last moments.  I know the moment that you left us, but even if you weren't completely present, I think back to that night, almost exactly one year ago, and wish I knew I was the very last voice you heard.

I am sorry if there was anything involving your burial that wasn't exactly what you wanted, but I tried to do each thing with you might have wanted in mind.

Lastly, I am sorry if there are any decisions that I have made that are not exactly what you would have done over the past year.  I have done my best in some areas and to be honest, not even cared about others and let them go.

When we decided to get married and then have Lilly I always knew that we worked best as a team.  That yin-yang feeling.  I made up in areas and you definitely picked up for my slack.  Never was it in my plan to be on my own, and although I know that where Lilly comes in I have done good, our family will never be the way I wanted it to be.

What I have missed the most this past year is really just you being with us.  The loneliness is more than I could have imagined.  I do wish that I could somehow have that dream of peace.  For some reason you are angry in every dream that I have had and that's not who you were when you were here. 

I will continue with what we started together and keep you in mind with matters that involve Lilly.

I can not believe that as of now we have been without you for an entire year.

I miss you everyday and love you more than words.

Luv ya,
Jenn

the week(or more)that keeps on giving

Bud,

As each week comes upon me I take it, living with the "it is what it is" modo.  But, damn, this one (give or take a few days) hits, below the belt.  My birthday, which is just the beginning.  With the attitude that I can totally handle this one.  Then the call that your headstone, of which I have been both dreading and counting down the days for, is arrived and ready.  You got nothing on me headstone.  Then, brace for it, the fucking Father-Daughter dance.  What?!?!?! Where did you come from.  I have thrown away every flyer and reminder from the school...hear no evil see no evil.  But, yet, Lilly wakes up in the morning to tell me how excited she was.  See, she had no clue that the word alone, "Father" has any bearing on her going.  It was a dance, and that's all she heard. So, when I said, "who are you taking?" she hadn't thought that far.  And why should she. I can almost guarantee that no other little girl had to think much into it.  Not the way Lil had to.  But, here we are, Grandpa-Granddaughter Dance upon us. 

And the kicker, Valentines Day, hanging over my head like a nasty black cloud.  The holiday that has so many mixed feelings...funny memories, lonely thoughts, and just plain down scarlet letter feelings, I guess I'll let ya know how that winds up.

I miss ya this week.

Luv Ya,
Jenn

soccer for dummies

Bud,
Lilly is ready to play soccer.  We registered last weekend and I got an email reminding me of what I have been thinking about(probably too much)...playing without you.

I'm disappointed that you won't be able to see her.  I'm also really realizing that I know nothing about soccer.  True, I've been to countless games to cheer you on, but it's not the same.  I was always so excited for her to play soccer, encouraged by your coaching.  I laugh to myself when I think how you had it all planned out...soccer, ballet for balance and prepping her for UCLA.  I told her about that the other day and she asked, "How did Daddy know that I wanted to do ballet?" 

I'll figure it out.  That's pretty much been my daily mantra over the past 10 months.  It's funny how that saying can go both ways for me: giving me confidence vs. expressing my ongoing frustration of how much there is to figure out.  Rarely the confidence and often the frustration. 

There are plenty of friends that can help her and that's awesome but sometimes I feel like, at some point, it's not up to them. 

So I'm back again at buying Soccer for Dummies.  I'm gonna figure this shit out on my own and just enjoy the company of all those friends while we watch Lilly play.  I can't guarantee UCLA but we'll do our best!

I have missed you everyday for the past 10 months,

Jenn

another not a new

Bud,

New Year's Eve.  Tomorrow is 2012.  All I keep seeing and hearing is a "New" year.  I especially enjoy the usual "I can't wait for 2012 because 2011 was so bad to me!" REALLY...defining my year by a single occurrence, I'm pretty certain that I could at least be in the top 5 of anyone that we know for a bad 2011.  But, when I really think about it, apart from you missing in everything that we did, 2011 had a lot of exciting things in it.  Having a 5 year old puts it in to perspective.  Because, lets face it, that's what my life is really about now.  She had about 167 days that were the "BEST DAY EVER!".  Travel, school, holidays really drove us through the past 9 months and most of 2011.  It never surprised me though, when in the midst of the excitement daddy almost always comes up.  She notices you missing and says it aloud, as I am always thinking it but keep it to myself.  You would be very proud of how much more she is like you then we ever knew.

I feel little to no excitement for 2012 to come upon us, to me it's just another year.  To be honest, we'll probably watch the ball drop in New York and be done with the whole thing by 9:03pm. We'll continue doing what we do.  More exciting things for Lilly which many of them will be new, just happening in a different year. I will continuee my same resolution that I began 9 months ago, just keep moving forward.  We will keep keeping on.  Maybe going in to 2013 I will have something else to say that puts a more positive spin on this "New" year thing, but for today it's just Saturday going on Sunday and the beginning of 2012.

The holidays just weren't the same without you and miss you more than words!

Luv ya,
Jenn

the best christmas ever?

Bud,

One week until Christmas. Normally super exciting. But as I lay awake, getting maybe only 4 good hours of sleep again, excitement just escapes me. 

We have had a lot of really special, fun times already this month: driving around and light hunting, Mission Inn, parties, Bri's recital, Lilly's holiday party, Disneyland a few times. And although each one carries with it an emptiness, we have had fun. Especially Lil, who loves to remind us that this is the best Christmas ever! This phrase, that we hear almost daily, is like music and daggers at the same time to me. I am so happy and relieved that, with all that has happened, our sweet girl can have this feeling about Christmas. But to me, I think, really?!?!?! This, the best Christmas?!?!?! How can it be! Of course the key word is think. I would NEVER let on that I too do not believe in this "best Christmas ever" mantra.

Wish you were here to really make this the best Christmas ever.

Luv ya,
Jenn

thankful

Bud,

Thanksgiving morning and, shocker, I'm up early for no reason.  I see every person posting what they're thankful for.  Part of me says, ugh!  But a bigger part of me, the part of me writing this down, does have a lot to be thankful for.

I am thankful for Lilly and for EVERYTHING she brings to my life.  Without her I would have no sense of purpose.

I am thankful that you were able to stay at home with her since she was born.  You instilled in her so much in those almost 5 years.

I am thankful that we were able to travel and see so much together.  Those are memories that I will cherish with me for my lifetime.

I am thankful for your friends that care about Lilly and I so much.  They're always here for both of us even with their own busy lives..

I am thankful for all of my friends and family who are so supportive.  Their unconditional love has been felt every single day.

Lastly,

I am thankful for the 17 years I was able to spend with you.  Although, just the thought of you can be hard to bear sometimes.  Every picture will tell a story about us to Lilly and every memory, even the little tiny ones, bring a smile and comfort to me.

a month means nothing

Bud,

I wrote nothing to you in the month of October.

To be honest I started writing something about twenty times but never completed anything.  Not because I was constantly keeping busy or because I didn't want to.  I think because everytime I wrote I got a bit frustrated.

Frustrated that you're not here.  Frustrated that writing is the only option.  Frustrated that every single thing that happened in October you had to miss.

Going on the seventh month of you being gone and it feels like it was just the sixth month, the fifth month, even the first month.  A month means nothing.  That is the most frustrating part.  How much can happen in just one month (your birthday, Marcie's wedding, Lilly was Star Student, Disneyland a few times, Halloween) and yet for every single event it takes me 30 minutes to even get out of bed that morning, knowing that it has to be done without you there.

And yet for most, a month means a lot.  Family and friends that were just finding out they were pregnant when you died are now in the home stretch, babies have been born, best friends have gotten married; as is life, time goes happily by.  I feel like I'm in one of those movie scenes where everything is going on so quickly around me and I am standing still in the middle of it all.

So the month that you were always so excited for has come and gone.  And with friends and family around us all the time, truely being as supportive as can be my biggest frustration still: Loneliness.

I miss you every day and love you more then words.

Luv Ya,
Jenn

Mike's Birthday 2008