Reality

Bud,
I started thinking I would write this to you when I first sat down to visit you tonight, our weekly ritual.  Than I got caught up watching this guy visiting his person.  We see him every week and I always have every intention of introducing myself or at least going down after he leaves to try to figure out who he is visiting every week at the same time we are here to see you...his brother, lover, parent, than I realized tonight it doesn't matter.  Isn't it weird how we can have something so in common with another person that we don't know, sorrow.  He does the same thing every week: get his edger out and weeds the space, waters, lifts these little weights that he has sitting under the bench and then just sits there with this look of sadness, like no matter what he does it doesn't really matter, it changed absolutely nothing.  It will be the same when he comes back next week and the week after that.  If I remember correctly his person has been there since 2009, 3 years.  That doesn't make it harder or more of a reality for me, it just is.  It is what I will be doing in 3 years from now, watching him weed whack his area while I am reading some book, pretending not to watch. It's what I have been doing almost every Friday for the past 2 months, realizing that this is what it is.  Don't think for a second that I am upset about this, I know that you would be doing the same.  Also, don't think that I am here alone or crying or even sitting here in some somber state the whole time.  Tonight we had some pretty good laughs.  I think I would have made you proud with some of my wise ass comments.  I learned from the best! No, Walsh, Ross, J, Ernie, Lance kept me company, or I should say I think we kept each other company.  At one point I said, shit, who would have thought 2 months ago we would be here on Friday nights, and J said it may not be where we want to be but it's where we are.  Isn't that the truth.  I pretty much feel that every day...this isn't where I want to be, but I'm here and I'm dealing.  

So now, as I sit out on our patio, watching a moon that is on it's way to being full, I  realize that things may not be as I would like them to be but it doesn't really matter.  Who really ever gets everything that they  want.  This is not some dumb reality show.  I'm sure that I don't sound like the over positive wife that you married 7 years ago and you're right, I'm not.  I'm positive when I need to be and realistic in my head the rest of the time.  That's reality.

This is the end to a not so easy week for me and you should know that I miss you more this week then I have so far.

Luv ya and miss you more then words,
Jenn

Happy Anniversary

Bud,
Happy Anniversary babe. I wish more then anything that you could be here with me in Seattle to celebrate it. We are taking Lilly to see Mary Poppins tonight and I know you would have hated every second of it with a big smile on your face and Lilly sitting on your lap.

I've been thinking a lot about our wedding this week and been sharing some of the best memories about it with Devon: everyone staying at Bahia for the entire weekend, the Hawaiian dancers, people dancing with entire champagne bottles in one hand, friends getting tickets in the parking while listening to the Lakers, and ending the night with you ripping through all the red envelopes before we had to catch our plane. The only part of the wedding that you had to be a part in planning, the music. Our first dance to what we thought was the perfect song: short, sweet and to the point.

Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan

Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I've tried
And your love is better than ice cream
But everyone here knows how to fight

And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from

Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I've tried
Oh, love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to cry

And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from

I miss you more than words and my heart aches for you today.

Luv ya,
Jenn

Time

Bud,
So I'm laying here in bed in Seattle. Watching the clock as it gets closer to that time. The time that 7 weeks ago changed everything. Time is so weird. It has allowed Lilly to get acclimated to your not being physically with us. It moves faster then I would like it to, kinda like when we would go to Hawaii and felt like we were leaving after we just got there... 2 weeks seemed like 2 days. It brought this trip to Seattle, now half-way done, way to quickly. And as much as I don't want it to be here, it's almost time for our 7th wedding anniversary. Wow, I remember it like yesterday.
But, on the other hand, time has almost stood still with our amazing friendships that we built over 17 years ago. Staying here with Devon, Jen, and Dave so many memories have made us laugh until we almost cried. We hadn't seen them in a while, but the time has made no difference at all. We are all still the same that we were back in high school in the ways that matter and have grown into "responsible" adults in the ways that are important. They have given me more then they could ever know over the past week. We really do have some amazing friends babe.
As much as I hate it, time will just keep on going. But, it's a relief to know that you will always be there too.

Miss you more then words.
Luv ya,
Jenn

Date Night

Bud,
Sitting here in bed reading through Facebook and it seems like the world is having "Date Night" tonight. So I was thinking back to what would have been our last date. It was a weeknight and we dropped Lilly off at your parents because you said I HAD to try the best new Sushi place in Riverside! The wait was over an hour on a Tuesday night and we sat outside on the brick wall freezing cold. Remember, you were getting annoyed with those people that had their baby out with just a onesie and no socks. We had all-you-can-eat and I laugh at how the owner came over to say hi to you, like you've known him for ever (big surprise). We tried to go grocery shopping after and everything I tried to buy you said "I'm too full, nothing sounds good for dinner this week!"
If I would have known it was our last date I would have wanted to go someplace more special. Maybe not insist on going grocery shopping after. Maybe stay out way longer and talk more.
Lilly had it right the other night when she asked if you could be with us just for another 5 minutes. I would take 5 minutes in a heartbeat, would give everything I have for it.
I'm missing my husband tonight.

Luv Ya and miss you more than words,
Jenny

With Us

Sharing a kiss on the Carousel

Bud,

We somehow did it.  One of the most difficult firsts for Lilly and I to get through, our first trip to Disneyland without you.  I didn't sleep last night thinking about it and this morning I could not have stalled anymore than I did.   I could actually hear you saying, "if you're gonna go today you better get going".  So we went.  I hid behind my sunglasses  right away, thank God it was so sunny out.  We went to CA Adventure first and to be honest, we had fun.  About half way through the day I got a text and I expected it to be from you, asking to send a picture of Lil, like you always did when you weren't with us. 

Lilly missed you when we went over to Disneyland.  That's when she had a hard time.  She said that she wished Daddy could be with us, even if just for five minutes.  I told her I did too.  Then she asked if it was OK to pretend that you were there.  I agreed and she didn't really say much else for a bit.  Then, just as we walked by the Mountain she called out for you, " Daddy catch up with us!" and made me stop the stroller to wait for you.  We did all her favorites: Carousel, Alice, Tea Cups, Small World, and ended with Winnie the Pooh.  When we got on the tram to come home, she asked if you could come with us and I told her that you would be waiting for us when we go back.  Then as we pulled away she yelled out to you " By Daddy, I miss you!"  Well, that about did it for me.  The people on the tram must have thought we were nuts between her waving to no one and me with tears down my cheeks.

We did have fun, that's the important part.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, there is literally nothing and know where that did not remind me of a  memory that we shared.  Oh, and I want to thank you for the awesome hat that we were lead to.  My new Billabong Bob Marley hat with the 3 Birds on it couldn't be more perfect.

We love you so much and miss you more than words.

Luv Ya,

Jenn

Guilty

Bud,

It's technically Easter, just after midnight.  In the weeks leading up to this weekend I wasn't sure how I would feel.  We had your 1 month anniversary on Friday and now today, Easter without you.  It's not like it was some HUGE holiday for you/us, it's just the first of many to creep up on me.  Now I know exactly how I feel about because I have been feeling this often about things lately, guilt.

I know that, as much as I would like it to, time does not stop.  Each day and what it has in store still smacks me in the face every morning.  But the guilt is what has been really packing a punch.  Not the guilt of your passing and what surrounds that, but the guilt of actually having to do these things, every single day, and with a smile for Lilly.  We went to Big Bear on Friday and really did have a good time! KC and Kristin were awesome and had so much in store for us and Lilly it was awesome.  But here it goes... having fun with Lilly in the snow(guilt), watching your Lakers while BBQing dinner(guilt), going fishing on the lake this morning(guilt), watching Lilly cast here line almost better than me(guilt), stopping at Jensen's on our way home and seeing your fav cookies(guilt), not making the time tonight to take Lilly to see you and drop off her pine cone that she brought you(guilt), ending the day at King Taco(guilt).  Think you get the picture. 

Everything that you would love, I can actually hear your voice, "you went without me?!?!"  The thing is, I know that you would want me to do these things, but the reality of doing them EVERYTIME without you is getting pretty heavy to handle.

So, here is a video I took of the snow angel that Lilly made, enjoy babe!

Luv Ya,

Jenn

Things I'm certain of

Bud,
We went to Paul Soholt's funeral today.  There are a few things that, if I was uncertain of, I'm certain of now.
First, Paul left behind an 11 month old daughter.  I am very certain that I am thankful that Lilly was able to spend the time she did with you.  During the service his brother said, "it's our job now to make sure that she learns about her dad through us". Sure, Lilly didn't get to have you for as long as I think she should have(for at least 60+ years of her life) but she knows you.  She knows how much you loved her (a ton)and she knows that she loved you with her whole heart.  She knows your favorite color, your favorite teams, your favorite drink and so much more. She knows that you would be here with her if you had a say in it.
The other thing I am certain of is our time together.  Although 17 years seemed like only the beginning to me, it was sure fun, wasn't it!  We used to joke about how people would say "wow you've been more places than I could only hope to in my lifetime".  Although there were SO many more places to go and things to experience I'm glad we were able to experience so many places together.  I have decided, though, that there are places that we will continue to travel to in your memory.
Lastly, you have left me with some amazing friends.  Friends that miss you so much everyday.  That will be there for me and I will be there for them.  That will continue what you started with Lilly. Things that only a daddy could share.  Fishing, soccer, riding a bike and all the other great things a daddy does.  There is absolutely no replacement for you, for that I am certain, but they will do their best to show her the way.
I'm missing you a bit more today.  The time thing is not really making a difference, as people say it does.

Luv ya,
Jenn