another not a new

Bud,

New Year's Eve.  Tomorrow is 2012.  All I keep seeing and hearing is a "New" year.  I especially enjoy the usual "I can't wait for 2012 because 2011 was so bad to me!" REALLY...defining my year by a single occurrence, I'm pretty certain that I could at least be in the top 5 of anyone that we know for a bad 2011.  But, when I really think about it, apart from you missing in everything that we did, 2011 had a lot of exciting things in it.  Having a 5 year old puts it in to perspective.  Because, lets face it, that's what my life is really about now.  She had about 167 days that were the "BEST DAY EVER!".  Travel, school, holidays really drove us through the past 9 months and most of 2011.  It never surprised me though, when in the midst of the excitement daddy almost always comes up.  She notices you missing and says it aloud, as I am always thinking it but keep it to myself.  You would be very proud of how much more she is like you then we ever knew.

I feel little to no excitement for 2012 to come upon us, to me it's just another year.  To be honest, we'll probably watch the ball drop in New York and be done with the whole thing by 9:03pm. We'll continue doing what we do.  More exciting things for Lilly which many of them will be new, just happening in a different year. I will continuee my same resolution that I began 9 months ago, just keep moving forward.  We will keep keeping on.  Maybe going in to 2013 I will have something else to say that puts a more positive spin on this "New" year thing, but for today it's just Saturday going on Sunday and the beginning of 2012.

The holidays just weren't the same without you and miss you more than words!

Luv ya,
Jenn

the best christmas ever?

Bud,

One week until Christmas. Normally super exciting. But as I lay awake, getting maybe only 4 good hours of sleep again, excitement just escapes me. 

We have had a lot of really special, fun times already this month: driving around and light hunting, Mission Inn, parties, Bri's recital, Lilly's holiday party, Disneyland a few times. And although each one carries with it an emptiness, we have had fun. Especially Lil, who loves to remind us that this is the best Christmas ever! This phrase, that we hear almost daily, is like music and daggers at the same time to me. I am so happy and relieved that, with all that has happened, our sweet girl can have this feeling about Christmas. But to me, I think, really?!?!?! This, the best Christmas?!?!?! How can it be! Of course the key word is think. I would NEVER let on that I too do not believe in this "best Christmas ever" mantra.

Wish you were here to really make this the best Christmas ever.

Luv ya,
Jenn

thankful

Bud,

Thanksgiving morning and, shocker, I'm up early for no reason.  I see every person posting what they're thankful for.  Part of me says, ugh!  But a bigger part of me, the part of me writing this down, does have a lot to be thankful for.

I am thankful for Lilly and for EVERYTHING she brings to my life.  Without her I would have no sense of purpose.

I am thankful that you were able to stay at home with her since she was born.  You instilled in her so much in those almost 5 years.

I am thankful that we were able to travel and see so much together.  Those are memories that I will cherish with me for my lifetime.

I am thankful for your friends that care about Lilly and I so much.  They're always here for both of us even with their own busy lives..

I am thankful for all of my friends and family who are so supportive.  Their unconditional love has been felt every single day.

Lastly,

I am thankful for the 17 years I was able to spend with you.  Although, just the thought of you can be hard to bear sometimes.  Every picture will tell a story about us to Lilly and every memory, even the little tiny ones, bring a smile and comfort to me.

a month means nothing

Bud,

I wrote nothing to you in the month of October.

To be honest I started writing something about twenty times but never completed anything.  Not because I was constantly keeping busy or because I didn't want to.  I think because everytime I wrote I got a bit frustrated.

Frustrated that you're not here.  Frustrated that writing is the only option.  Frustrated that every single thing that happened in October you had to miss.

Going on the seventh month of you being gone and it feels like it was just the sixth month, the fifth month, even the first month.  A month means nothing.  That is the most frustrating part.  How much can happen in just one month (your birthday, Marcie's wedding, Lilly was Star Student, Disneyland a few times, Halloween) and yet for every single event it takes me 30 minutes to even get out of bed that morning, knowing that it has to be done without you there.

And yet for most, a month means a lot.  Family and friends that were just finding out they were pregnant when you died are now in the home stretch, babies have been born, best friends have gotten married; as is life, time goes happily by.  I feel like I'm in one of those movie scenes where everything is going on so quickly around me and I am standing still in the middle of it all.

So the month that you were always so excited for has come and gone.  And with friends and family around us all the time, truely being as supportive as can be my biggest frustration still: Loneliness.

I miss you every day and love you more then words.

Luv Ya,
Jenn

Mike's Birthday 2008

heaven

Bud,
One word that I wished Lil didn't have so much knowledge on: Heaven.  How many 5 year olds use it in their daily vocabulary, I should hope not many.  But, this has become part of our norm and is usually part of some version  of bedtime conversation.  Funny that bedtime is the time that we both miss you the most.  Everyday her curiosity and wanting of detail grows.  In the past 6 months it went from simply "What is Heaven?" to her very well thought out game plan tonight "We can all go together and then no one will miss anyone!"

But tonight was different.  It wasn't just questions but it was how it ended.  Tonight was the first time that Lilly really cried for you.  I think she realized that there is no going to Heaven to see you no matter what kind of idea she came up with, so she cried.  She misses her Daddy.  Not anything specific, just you.

How unfair that a 5 year old should have to go without something so special.  Her daddy.  All of the little things that only you knew to do with her are irreplaceable.  The love that you had for her and she has for you is unmeasurable.  It's what I have come to realize I will NEVER be able to fix.

I feel in my heart that these are the first tears of many that will follow.  You are in Heaven and we are here.  No game plan or waiving of her wand is going to change it and your little one has figured that out.

We miss you and love you more then words.

Luv Ya,
Jenn

"The Oak Tree"

Bud,

So every day I've been going through and reading a few of the many cards that I received over the past 5 months.  Each one is so personal.  The one I read today is from Grandma Betty:

A mighty wind blew night and day.

It stole the oak tree's leaves away,

Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark

Until the oak was tired and stark.

But still the oak tree held its ground

 While other trees fell all around.

The weary wind gave up and spoke,

"How can you still be standing , Oak?"

The oak tree said, "I know that you

Can break each branch of mine in two,

Carry every leaf away,

Shake my limbs, and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,

Growing stronger since my birth.

You'll never touch them, for you see,

They are the deepest part of me.

Until today, I wasn't sure

Of just how much I could endure.

But now I've found, with thanks to you,

I'm stronger than I ever knew."

Five months in and when the air turns on upstairs and moves the bedroom door I still jump thinking that it's you coming to bed.

Miss you more then words.

Luv Ya,

Jenn

comparison

Bud, 

Where to begin.  Tonight has not been the easiest for us.  We are about to enter the week that I feel in my heart to be the toughest.  Lilly is starting school.  What should be the happiest moment, up to this point of her short, amazing life, carries this deep pain for me with it.  I have, lately, found myself doing something that is out of character for me, comparing.  I think of all the parents that will be getting their kids ready for the same first day of school and my heart literally aches to think that Lilly will not have you there with her.  How many little girls will go home and show off what they did on the first day to their daddies, like she used to do with you.  How many husbands and wives are laying in bed right now talking about how fast the time went.

I guess the word I should be using is jealousy.

I have never really been one to look at another's life and be jealous...why would I?  A husband I could share everything with, an awesome daughter that is truly a blessing to this world, amazing friends and family.  Wants, yes, but jealousy, no.

Now, I notice it everyday.  A dad carrying his kid in the grocery store.  A couple at the movie theater.  And that very generic saying of "Why Me!!!" creeps up.  Don't get me wrong, do I wish it on those people, No!

I, of course, deal with these feelings myself.  I am really happy for Lilly to start school this week.  As you can imagine, she is super excited.  But even in this moment of excitement, she picks The Invisible String to read for her bedtime story.  She asks me questions about you going to Heaven again, some new like "how did daddy get there?", and others repeated like "does daddy miss us in heaven like we miss him?".  She told you about her weekend  and through in her usual, "I hope you're having fun with all of those Angels!"  She closes her eyes to go to sleep and says "I really wish my daddy was here and not in Heaven."  Me to.

This funk of comparing our new life to those all around me is bound to pass and I'm sure I'll find myself in some other funk to try to figure out. 



Your pep talk to Lilly about boys on her first day of Preschool


I wish you could be here to walk her to school.

Miss you more then words.
Luv Ya,
Jenn

amazing gift

Bud,

We missed you at Bri's party yesterday.  So much in fact that on the way home Lil and I decided to stop by to see you (with a pit stop to pick up a hot pink baby rose bush to plant, Lil's idea).  We stayed a while and Lance, Sarah and the kids came by to visit also.  As we left Lilly started with the questions.  First, who are all the other people visiting?  Are those people in Heaven with you?  Are they happy to be in Heaven like you are?  Do they like Heaven and think it's fun?  Then here comes her idea..." Mommy I got an idea, we should all move to Heaven instead of California(she just learned about CA).  We can all go, Grandpa's, Grandma's, Aunties, Uncles, friends.  Everyone would like it better and we wouldn't miss daddy anymore!"

Probably the best solution to this crappy situation ANYONE has given me!  If, of course, it were only that simple.

I would like to give you credit on this one, but I have a feeling, on this, she's ALL me.  You used to tell me "Jenn, you think too much!"  I even catch myself doing it sometimes now.  Well, our Lil is a thinker.  She put this messed up puzzle together and it looks better then I thought it would.  Of course we had a long chat while driving home about since Heaven is so great we can't ALL go at once.  We have to wait for our turn.  Then I told her I didn't plan on going for a long time and I hoped she would stay with me.  She then lightened my load by saying " that's fine as long as we can stop and get red Gatorade like daddy liked".

Damn, I'm lucky to have her!  I think back to February when I was showing pics of Lilly to Joseph's wife Morgan and she said "Lilly is truly a special gift to the world.  You can tell by looking at her that she is here for a purpose."  I remember telling you that and you beamed from ear to ear with pride. 

Who knew at that time how amazing of a gift she really is to all of us.

Miss ya more then words

Luv Ya,

Jenn

they just keep coming

Bud,
So this week has been full of memories of you: On Sunday we had a pool party for the 4th of July with awesome friends and family.  Something you would be surprised to hear, we have become friends with Manu, Kai and Omari and family. They all came. They are awesome people.  So weird that your passing is what brought us to meet.  We all had a fun time, but you were definitely missed.  For me there were times when I expected you to jump in the pool, come out of the house with your BBQ gear or be running around late night cleaning up the mess.  Then the fourth and fireworks. Something that you loved so much.  Where to go to see the best fireworks.  I think I have seen them more places then anyone else thanks to you.  I was thinking of last year at the top of the parking garage to watch at the Angels and then racing over to catch the Disneyland show.  This year we just walked down to the park and watched from there.  Lilly held her first sparkler and thought it was amazing! Wish it was you that would have lit it for her.  And now today, July 7, our anniversary. I remember 2 things like yesterday: 1.  When we first started dating on your graduation, spent every day together from that date until the end of the summer and on July 7 you asked, so are we dating? 2. On July 7 2004, our 10th anniversary, the first after we were married and you said to me, "we don't celebrate 2 anniversaries now, right?" 7794 was our password for everything for years. 
The week will end with an Angels game, our first without you.  We're going with Manu, his wife Stephanie and their 2 little ones.  If you don't already know, the Angels are doing pretty freakin good this year and hopefully won't disappoint like your Lakers did. And yes, I changed your tow-hitch for you to your Angels.

The end to a week that had some fun but always had a big hole in it for me.  I miss you.

Luv ya,
Jenn

what i've learned in three months

Bud,

I just got home from visiting the beautiful place with your friends and while driving home i was thinking of all the little things that keep popping up that i either never realized or even knew before these last three months.  things that i may have never really thought of until now.  some things that i never felt i would need to learn or think of.  other things that i just didn't pay attention to:
- lilly is more like you than i may have ever realized:
  - she covers her head with the blanket when the sun comes up every morning, just like you did
  - she laughs so loud that other people laugh along with her
  - she acts like she's listening to me and then says "what did you say"
  - she becomes friends with strangers everywhere we go
  - she organizes her fast food before she will eat it
- your friends:
  - they miss you more then you might have ever thought or realized they would
  - walsh is so much like you it's kinda crazy
  - lance likes spicy food, which for some reason i never thought he would
  - ross has been trying to keep me in line, which i need
  - we have all learned together just how precious life is(no matter how cheesy that sounds)
- me:
  - how annoying it is to have to get gas in two cars
  - how nice it was to have you come out to the car every night when i got home
  - how weird it is to not buy gaterade every time i go to the grocery store
  - how much work it is to keep lilly's room looking half way organized like you did
  - how even if it didn't seem like you were always listening it was nice to be able to just tell someone about my day

the most important thing that i am learning is that life is moving on all around me, whether or not i want it to.  i don't quite know how i feel about that yet but at least i can admit that i recognize it.  the next step, to deal with it.

i have missed you every day for the past three months more than words.

luv ya
jenn

happy 17th

Bud,

Can you believe that 17 years ago today you graduated High School! I was going through some of your high school stuff, folders, drawings, and found this picture. We were so young. It's a great memory. Thinking back to when our biggest concerns were who's driving who and when and where we were meeting up. I'm not gonna say that I knew from day one we would get married and start our Scheliga family, that would be silly to say when I was only 15. I will say that we were lucky to grow up together and in the same direction.

It's hard sometimes to remember when we were not together. It may not have always been perfect, but you always used to say the people that act like everything is perfect have the most to hide.

So, happy 17 years tonight. Wish you were here with me, I miss telling you about my day.

Miss you more then words.

Luv ya,
Jenn

together

Bud,

Lilly's birthday is tomorrow.  Let's back up one week.  Lilly's party was last Sunday, a week ago today.  The party was perfect and completely over-the-top.  Everything that I did or bought I could hear you saying "that's enough Jenn, she's only turning 5!"  But, remember when she was a baby and we talked about this birthday?  I said that when she turns 5 that I am having an Alice in Wonderland tea party.  You said, what if she doesn't like tea parties? What if she wants another type of party instead?  So we agreed, only Alice in Wonderland tea party if that's what she wanted.  You know, I started planning details in March and we sat with my list one night after she went to sleep in the office and you let me show you every detail on the computer and you had your typical response "Oh my!"  I now understand a little better why I started planning so early and had some peace of mind knowing that you were a part of the planning too. 
I made it through, mostly, with no tears.  Only when she blew out the candles did I really feel my throat close-up and tears welling up.  Not for me but for her.  It was a reminder that we won't be able to have these moments together with her.  I know you would have been standing there next to her when she blew out the candles.  You would have put her on the bike that you picked out (Peter went with me to make sure I remembered the right one).  Most of all, when we got home from the party you and Lil would have sat in her room together and opened every single present and found its place in her room. 

I have been reminded that you are in our hearts and I tell Lilly that every night when she says she misses you and closes her eyes and whispers to you about her day.  But this week I am selfish, I don't want you in our hearts I would have liked to be together.

Today we are going to Dland with Chris, Darlene and Abby and tomorrow I am taking her again, like I know we would have done.  She is super excited but not for the normal reason.  She is excited because she says your shadow is there and she can't wait to be with you 2 days in a row.  Last night, before we went to bed she watched video that you took with your phone and would text to me to make me jealous when just you and her were at Dland together.  She replayed them over and over again, smiling every time you spoke.  Thank God for those videos, her and I definitely needed to hear your voice this week.

Lilly misses you more and more every night and I miss you more then words.

Luv Ya
Jenn

Reality

Bud,
I started thinking I would write this to you when I first sat down to visit you tonight, our weekly ritual.  Than I got caught up watching this guy visiting his person.  We see him every week and I always have every intention of introducing myself or at least going down after he leaves to try to figure out who he is visiting every week at the same time we are here to see you...his brother, lover, parent, than I realized tonight it doesn't matter.  Isn't it weird how we can have something so in common with another person that we don't know, sorrow.  He does the same thing every week: get his edger out and weeds the space, waters, lifts these little weights that he has sitting under the bench and then just sits there with this look of sadness, like no matter what he does it doesn't really matter, it changed absolutely nothing.  It will be the same when he comes back next week and the week after that.  If I remember correctly his person has been there since 2009, 3 years.  That doesn't make it harder or more of a reality for me, it just is.  It is what I will be doing in 3 years from now, watching him weed whack his area while I am reading some book, pretending not to watch. It's what I have been doing almost every Friday for the past 2 months, realizing that this is what it is.  Don't think for a second that I am upset about this, I know that you would be doing the same.  Also, don't think that I am here alone or crying or even sitting here in some somber state the whole time.  Tonight we had some pretty good laughs.  I think I would have made you proud with some of my wise ass comments.  I learned from the best! No, Walsh, Ross, J, Ernie, Lance kept me company, or I should say I think we kept each other company.  At one point I said, shit, who would have thought 2 months ago we would be here on Friday nights, and J said it may not be where we want to be but it's where we are.  Isn't that the truth.  I pretty much feel that every day...this isn't where I want to be, but I'm here and I'm dealing.  

So now, as I sit out on our patio, watching a moon that is on it's way to being full, I  realize that things may not be as I would like them to be but it doesn't really matter.  Who really ever gets everything that they  want.  This is not some dumb reality show.  I'm sure that I don't sound like the over positive wife that you married 7 years ago and you're right, I'm not.  I'm positive when I need to be and realistic in my head the rest of the time.  That's reality.

This is the end to a not so easy week for me and you should know that I miss you more this week then I have so far.

Luv ya and miss you more then words,
Jenn

Happy Anniversary

Bud,
Happy Anniversary babe. I wish more then anything that you could be here with me in Seattle to celebrate it. We are taking Lilly to see Mary Poppins tonight and I know you would have hated every second of it with a big smile on your face and Lilly sitting on your lap.

I've been thinking a lot about our wedding this week and been sharing some of the best memories about it with Devon: everyone staying at Bahia for the entire weekend, the Hawaiian dancers, people dancing with entire champagne bottles in one hand, friends getting tickets in the parking while listening to the Lakers, and ending the night with you ripping through all the red envelopes before we had to catch our plane. The only part of the wedding that you had to be a part in planning, the music. Our first dance to what we thought was the perfect song: short, sweet and to the point.

Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan

Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I've tried
And your love is better than ice cream
But everyone here knows how to fight

And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from

Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I've tried
Oh, love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to cry

And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from

I miss you more than words and my heart aches for you today.

Luv ya,
Jenn

Time

Bud,
So I'm laying here in bed in Seattle. Watching the clock as it gets closer to that time. The time that 7 weeks ago changed everything. Time is so weird. It has allowed Lilly to get acclimated to your not being physically with us. It moves faster then I would like it to, kinda like when we would go to Hawaii and felt like we were leaving after we just got there... 2 weeks seemed like 2 days. It brought this trip to Seattle, now half-way done, way to quickly. And as much as I don't want it to be here, it's almost time for our 7th wedding anniversary. Wow, I remember it like yesterday.
But, on the other hand, time has almost stood still with our amazing friendships that we built over 17 years ago. Staying here with Devon, Jen, and Dave so many memories have made us laugh until we almost cried. We hadn't seen them in a while, but the time has made no difference at all. We are all still the same that we were back in high school in the ways that matter and have grown into "responsible" adults in the ways that are important. They have given me more then they could ever know over the past week. We really do have some amazing friends babe.
As much as I hate it, time will just keep on going. But, it's a relief to know that you will always be there too.

Miss you more then words.
Luv ya,
Jenn

Date Night

Bud,
Sitting here in bed reading through Facebook and it seems like the world is having "Date Night" tonight. So I was thinking back to what would have been our last date. It was a weeknight and we dropped Lilly off at your parents because you said I HAD to try the best new Sushi place in Riverside! The wait was over an hour on a Tuesday night and we sat outside on the brick wall freezing cold. Remember, you were getting annoyed with those people that had their baby out with just a onesie and no socks. We had all-you-can-eat and I laugh at how the owner came over to say hi to you, like you've known him for ever (big surprise). We tried to go grocery shopping after and everything I tried to buy you said "I'm too full, nothing sounds good for dinner this week!"
If I would have known it was our last date I would have wanted to go someplace more special. Maybe not insist on going grocery shopping after. Maybe stay out way longer and talk more.
Lilly had it right the other night when she asked if you could be with us just for another 5 minutes. I would take 5 minutes in a heartbeat, would give everything I have for it.
I'm missing my husband tonight.

Luv Ya and miss you more than words,
Jenny

With Us

Sharing a kiss on the Carousel

Bud,

We somehow did it.  One of the most difficult firsts for Lilly and I to get through, our first trip to Disneyland without you.  I didn't sleep last night thinking about it and this morning I could not have stalled anymore than I did.   I could actually hear you saying, "if you're gonna go today you better get going".  So we went.  I hid behind my sunglasses  right away, thank God it was so sunny out.  We went to CA Adventure first and to be honest, we had fun.  About half way through the day I got a text and I expected it to be from you, asking to send a picture of Lil, like you always did when you weren't with us. 

Lilly missed you when we went over to Disneyland.  That's when she had a hard time.  She said that she wished Daddy could be with us, even if just for five minutes.  I told her I did too.  Then she asked if it was OK to pretend that you were there.  I agreed and she didn't really say much else for a bit.  Then, just as we walked by the Mountain she called out for you, " Daddy catch up with us!" and made me stop the stroller to wait for you.  We did all her favorites: Carousel, Alice, Tea Cups, Small World, and ended with Winnie the Pooh.  When we got on the tram to come home, she asked if you could come with us and I told her that you would be waiting for us when we go back.  Then as we pulled away she yelled out to you " By Daddy, I miss you!"  Well, that about did it for me.  The people on the tram must have thought we were nuts between her waving to no one and me with tears down my cheeks.

We did have fun, that's the important part.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, there is literally nothing and know where that did not remind me of a  memory that we shared.  Oh, and I want to thank you for the awesome hat that we were lead to.  My new Billabong Bob Marley hat with the 3 Birds on it couldn't be more perfect.

We love you so much and miss you more than words.

Luv Ya,

Jenn

Guilty

Bud,

It's technically Easter, just after midnight.  In the weeks leading up to this weekend I wasn't sure how I would feel.  We had your 1 month anniversary on Friday and now today, Easter without you.  It's not like it was some HUGE holiday for you/us, it's just the first of many to creep up on me.  Now I know exactly how I feel about because I have been feeling this often about things lately, guilt.

I know that, as much as I would like it to, time does not stop.  Each day and what it has in store still smacks me in the face every morning.  But the guilt is what has been really packing a punch.  Not the guilt of your passing and what surrounds that, but the guilt of actually having to do these things, every single day, and with a smile for Lilly.  We went to Big Bear on Friday and really did have a good time! KC and Kristin were awesome and had so much in store for us and Lilly it was awesome.  But here it goes... having fun with Lilly in the snow(guilt), watching your Lakers while BBQing dinner(guilt), going fishing on the lake this morning(guilt), watching Lilly cast here line almost better than me(guilt), stopping at Jensen's on our way home and seeing your fav cookies(guilt), not making the time tonight to take Lilly to see you and drop off her pine cone that she brought you(guilt), ending the day at King Taco(guilt).  Think you get the picture. 

Everything that you would love, I can actually hear your voice, "you went without me?!?!"  The thing is, I know that you would want me to do these things, but the reality of doing them EVERYTIME without you is getting pretty heavy to handle.

So, here is a video I took of the snow angel that Lilly made, enjoy babe!

Luv Ya,

Jenn

Things I'm certain of

Bud,
We went to Paul Soholt's funeral today.  There are a few things that, if I was uncertain of, I'm certain of now.
First, Paul left behind an 11 month old daughter.  I am very certain that I am thankful that Lilly was able to spend the time she did with you.  During the service his brother said, "it's our job now to make sure that she learns about her dad through us". Sure, Lilly didn't get to have you for as long as I think she should have(for at least 60+ years of her life) but she knows you.  She knows how much you loved her (a ton)and she knows that she loved you with her whole heart.  She knows your favorite color, your favorite teams, your favorite drink and so much more. She knows that you would be here with her if you had a say in it.
The other thing I am certain of is our time together.  Although 17 years seemed like only the beginning to me, it was sure fun, wasn't it!  We used to joke about how people would say "wow you've been more places than I could only hope to in my lifetime".  Although there were SO many more places to go and things to experience I'm glad we were able to experience so many places together.  I have decided, though, that there are places that we will continue to travel to in your memory.
Lastly, you have left me with some amazing friends.  Friends that miss you so much everyday.  That will be there for me and I will be there for them.  That will continue what you started with Lilly. Things that only a daddy could share.  Fishing, soccer, riding a bike and all the other great things a daddy does.  There is absolutely no replacement for you, for that I am certain, but they will do their best to show her the way.
I'm missing you a bit more today.  The time thing is not really making a difference, as people say it does.

Luv ya,
Jenn

The Board

                          Just after sunset yesterday at the end of the pier.

Bud,
Yesterday Mindy and Marcie took Lilly for fun while I worked. We ended the day at the beach, Lilly's favorite place. Reminded me of how you used to come to the office with her and rush off after lunch.  Not to miss traffic but to go to the beach for a bit and then try to still miss traffic.  You guys loved going during the middle of the week in the middle of the day, the beach practically your own to play. 
Shawn was with us and I asked him for a favor.  While talking with Jon he told me something cool that you did.  He told me that you asked him to get you a board so you guys could go out with the girls.  Well, he got your board in and asked what I wanted to do with it.  Of course I want it. I can literally see your smile while walking in the house, "Lilly look what daddy got for us!" That would have been perfect. So, I'm going to let her know that daddy got her a special gift and give it to her on her birthday. Shawn is going to take her out and teach her to catch some waves.  Jon and Brandy will take Mercy and they'll have fun learning together. We'll go down and let her try it out with KC and Alex. She'll love it.
The best gift from the best daddy ever. Thanks babe!

Luv Ya,
Jenn

you were missing

Bud,
Went to watch your old team play soccer last night. Jeff is playing with them now and I couldn't help but think, " wow, like the old days". But it's not. Of course I had to quickly find a distraction as my eyes welled up a bit, so I started listening to 2 of the girl players as they were chatting about the game. "we just need better defense, that's our problem. remember that guy that played with us, what was his name? Mike. Jason should call him up and see where he's playing" There went my distraction! They lost and at the end for a second I was expecting you to walk off the field, sit on the ground, take off your cleats and put your Adidas sandals on. But you were missing. That was tougher then I thought, watching a game without you playing.
Lilly wants to start playing again. I wish you didn't have to miss out on that part; her getting amazing at soccer. Then I was reminded by someone in a card I got. She wrote that they say the first 5 years of a child's life are the foundation for the child's future. You built that foundation for 4 years and 10 months. You may not be on the sidelines to cheer her on or there at practice giving her pointers, but when she plays she will lpay the game that you taught her. I'm thankful for that.

Luv ya,
Jenn

my first letter to you

Bud,
We've been to see you a few times since last Friday, but when we're there I have a hard time talking to you. In part because Lil is there and I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to keep from crying and I know that you wouldn't want her to see that. Also, I think that what I need to tell you comes to mind at random parts of the day. Like when getting in the car to leave for work or while trying to relax a bit while getting a massage.

So, this will be my place to write you letters. One day, when Lil is old enough she can read and understand how much she helped me work through this shitty time.

So, let me start with what you would want to know.  Lilly is doing pretty well through all of this.  She seems to get that you’re not coming home.  She likes to go visit you; she calls it “The Beautiful place”.  Our friends and family have been amazing.  I am literally speechless when it comes to the way everyone has helped, both financially and emotionally.  You know we always joked about how you knew everyone and you used to say, “It’s cause they know where I stand, Jenn.  I don’t bullshit with them.  I tell it how it is and people like that.”  I didn’t always fully agree, but I agreed that it was something that made people like you.  You were right! It’s not just me, Lil, your parents, my parents, our siblings; it’s so many others that are at a loss right now.  The funny thing is, it’s all of the great memories that bring up the emotions for us.

I have had to make a lot of decisions for you over the past 3 weeks.  Thank God I knew you so well to be able to pretty confidently say, this is what he would or wouldn’t want.  Like stickering up your black “man” box and laughing away the offer of a dove release at your service.  It just makes me think of how well we really did know each other.  It was always nice to know that you knew my order at any place we would eat.  I guess that’s what 17 years gives you.  I think this is the part that has brought the most tears to me over the past week.  Every little thing that comes up every day that only you knew to do.  Like walking Lilly out to blow kisses in the morning when I leave for work, I could have told my dad, but was more angry that you weren’t there to do it. 

Lilly and I will settle in to a new routine and I promise to keep all of the parts that you felt were important in there, even the things I thought annoying.

It goes without saying, we miss you.

Love ya

Jenn

In Honor of my Daddy, Mike

We will be remembering Mike's life together!

If you knew Mike then you will know what he wanted you to wear!
Sports Clothing, Hawaiian Shirts, but not limited to.

The Memorial Service will be held on April 8, 2011 @ 10:30am

MEMORIAL SERVICE
Acheson & Graham
7944 Magnolia Ave.
Riverside CA 92504

BURIAL SERVICE
Crestlawn Memorial Park
11550 Arlington Ave.
Riverside CA 92505

A gathering following all services will be held at:
9189 Nopal Pl.
Riverside CA 92503