better without you here (this time)...

Bud-
Today I'm actually glad that you're not here.  It's hard enough for me to face this and the thought of both of us having to deal makes it actually easier on me that I'm alone in this decision.  Today, at 10:15am Kahana will be leaving this place. 

About 2 weeks ago she was just not herself.  I took her to the vet thinking that she had an Upper Respiratory Infection.  It is cancer. 

You know her, stubborn like her dad.  She refuses any attempt (and believe me I have tried everything) at taking any pills.  She has given up.  She stopped eating a few days ago and has been crying since yesterday.  I said my goodbye's.  I told her that, although, I am NOT ready for her to go, I know that it is her time.  I told her she has been the best dog ever.  I told her that I know that she has missed you. And I told her that any pain she is feeling, I will fix very soon.

She is such a part of you.  The dog you "always wanted".  The part of our family that we drove over 17 hours to bring home.  The first big decision we made as a married couple.  Your friend that you took to every football Sunday, whether your friends liked it or not.

Whoever came up with that saying "You're never given more than you can handle" is full of shit.  They were not a widow at 32.  They don't have a 5 year old daughter without a dad.  They were not betrayed by life and expected to wake up the next morning.  They have NO idea!

Will I continue to "handle", yes. Am I happy about it, no.  Do I feel that we've been dealt a crappy hand, absolutely. 

So Kahana is leaving our family.  We will make the best, as we are forced to, and continue to move forward.

I'm not sure if she will "join" you.  But, she won't be in pain anymore and that's what really matters to me.

Miss ya more then words.

Jenn

Things unsaid

Bud,
How to even begin. There have been thoughts that I have replayed in my head countless times over the past year.  This being a very one-sided conversation makes this easier to say those things.  I know what your reply would be to all that I have to say and that's what brings me comfort.  But, nonetheless, I have felt for a while that they should be said.

I am sorry for all the times that I kept you waiting on me.  I know that you always hated when I said I was on my way in 10 minutes, when we both knew that I wasn't.

I am sorry I didn't say thank you enough for all that you did for me.  There were times that I think that you didn't feel that I appreciated it, but I did.

I am sorry that I didn't push harder about the sick thing.  I know that you depended on me to be the one that gets things done and I feel like I failed you when you needed it the most.

I am sorry that I wasn't holding your hand at the end.  I have regretted not somehow being with you those last moments.  I know the moment that you left us, but even if you weren't completely present, I think back to that night, almost exactly one year ago, and wish I knew I was the very last voice you heard.

I am sorry if there was anything involving your burial that wasn't exactly what you wanted, but I tried to do each thing with you might have wanted in mind.

Lastly, I am sorry if there are any decisions that I have made that are not exactly what you would have done over the past year.  I have done my best in some areas and to be honest, not even cared about others and let them go.

When we decided to get married and then have Lilly I always knew that we worked best as a team.  That yin-yang feeling.  I made up in areas and you definitely picked up for my slack.  Never was it in my plan to be on my own, and although I know that where Lilly comes in I have done good, our family will never be the way I wanted it to be.

What I have missed the most this past year is really just you being with us.  The loneliness is more than I could have imagined.  I do wish that I could somehow have that dream of peace.  For some reason you are angry in every dream that I have had and that's not who you were when you were here. 

I will continue with what we started together and keep you in mind with matters that involve Lilly.

I can not believe that as of now we have been without you for an entire year.

I miss you everyday and love you more than words.

Luv ya,
Jenn

the week(or more)that keeps on giving

Bud,

As each week comes upon me I take it, living with the "it is what it is" modo.  But, damn, this one (give or take a few days) hits, below the belt.  My birthday, which is just the beginning.  With the attitude that I can totally handle this one.  Then the call that your headstone, of which I have been both dreading and counting down the days for, is arrived and ready.  You got nothing on me headstone.  Then, brace for it, the fucking Father-Daughter dance.  What?!?!?! Where did you come from.  I have thrown away every flyer and reminder from the school...hear no evil see no evil.  But, yet, Lilly wakes up in the morning to tell me how excited she was.  See, she had no clue that the word alone, "Father" has any bearing on her going.  It was a dance, and that's all she heard. So, when I said, "who are you taking?" she hadn't thought that far.  And why should she. I can almost guarantee that no other little girl had to think much into it.  Not the way Lil had to.  But, here we are, Grandpa-Granddaughter Dance upon us. 

And the kicker, Valentines Day, hanging over my head like a nasty black cloud.  The holiday that has so many mixed feelings...funny memories, lonely thoughts, and just plain down scarlet letter feelings, I guess I'll let ya know how that winds up.

I miss ya this week.

Luv Ya,
Jenn

soccer for dummies

Bud,
Lilly is ready to play soccer.  We registered last weekend and I got an email reminding me of what I have been thinking about(probably too much)...playing without you.

I'm disappointed that you won't be able to see her.  I'm also really realizing that I know nothing about soccer.  True, I've been to countless games to cheer you on, but it's not the same.  I was always so excited for her to play soccer, encouraged by your coaching.  I laugh to myself when I think how you had it all planned out...soccer, ballet for balance and prepping her for UCLA.  I told her about that the other day and she asked, "How did Daddy know that I wanted to do ballet?" 

I'll figure it out.  That's pretty much been my daily mantra over the past 10 months.  It's funny how that saying can go both ways for me: giving me confidence vs. expressing my ongoing frustration of how much there is to figure out.  Rarely the confidence and often the frustration. 

There are plenty of friends that can help her and that's awesome but sometimes I feel like, at some point, it's not up to them. 

So I'm back again at buying Soccer for Dummies.  I'm gonna figure this shit out on my own and just enjoy the company of all those friends while we watch Lilly play.  I can't guarantee UCLA but we'll do our best!

I have missed you everyday for the past 10 months,

Jenn

another not a new

Bud,

New Year's Eve.  Tomorrow is 2012.  All I keep seeing and hearing is a "New" year.  I especially enjoy the usual "I can't wait for 2012 because 2011 was so bad to me!" REALLY...defining my year by a single occurrence, I'm pretty certain that I could at least be in the top 5 of anyone that we know for a bad 2011.  But, when I really think about it, apart from you missing in everything that we did, 2011 had a lot of exciting things in it.  Having a 5 year old puts it in to perspective.  Because, lets face it, that's what my life is really about now.  She had about 167 days that were the "BEST DAY EVER!".  Travel, school, holidays really drove us through the past 9 months and most of 2011.  It never surprised me though, when in the midst of the excitement daddy almost always comes up.  She notices you missing and says it aloud, as I am always thinking it but keep it to myself.  You would be very proud of how much more she is like you then we ever knew.

I feel little to no excitement for 2012 to come upon us, to me it's just another year.  To be honest, we'll probably watch the ball drop in New York and be done with the whole thing by 9:03pm. We'll continue doing what we do.  More exciting things for Lilly which many of them will be new, just happening in a different year. I will continuee my same resolution that I began 9 months ago, just keep moving forward.  We will keep keeping on.  Maybe going in to 2013 I will have something else to say that puts a more positive spin on this "New" year thing, but for today it's just Saturday going on Sunday and the beginning of 2012.

The holidays just weren't the same without you and miss you more than words!

Luv ya,
Jenn

the best christmas ever?

Bud,

One week until Christmas. Normally super exciting. But as I lay awake, getting maybe only 4 good hours of sleep again, excitement just escapes me. 

We have had a lot of really special, fun times already this month: driving around and light hunting, Mission Inn, parties, Bri's recital, Lilly's holiday party, Disneyland a few times. And although each one carries with it an emptiness, we have had fun. Especially Lil, who loves to remind us that this is the best Christmas ever! This phrase, that we hear almost daily, is like music and daggers at the same time to me. I am so happy and relieved that, with all that has happened, our sweet girl can have this feeling about Christmas. But to me, I think, really?!?!?! This, the best Christmas?!?!?! How can it be! Of course the key word is think. I would NEVER let on that I too do not believe in this "best Christmas ever" mantra.

Wish you were here to really make this the best Christmas ever.

Luv ya,
Jenn

thankful

Bud,

Thanksgiving morning and, shocker, I'm up early for no reason.  I see every person posting what they're thankful for.  Part of me says, ugh!  But a bigger part of me, the part of me writing this down, does have a lot to be thankful for.

I am thankful for Lilly and for EVERYTHING she brings to my life.  Without her I would have no sense of purpose.

I am thankful that you were able to stay at home with her since she was born.  You instilled in her so much in those almost 5 years.

I am thankful that we were able to travel and see so much together.  Those are memories that I will cherish with me for my lifetime.

I am thankful for your friends that care about Lilly and I so much.  They're always here for both of us even with their own busy lives..

I am thankful for all of my friends and family who are so supportive.  Their unconditional love has been felt every single day.

Lastly,

I am thankful for the 17 years I was able to spend with you.  Although, just the thought of you can be hard to bear sometimes.  Every picture will tell a story about us to Lilly and every memory, even the little tiny ones, bring a smile and comfort to me.

a month means nothing

Bud,

I wrote nothing to you in the month of October.

To be honest I started writing something about twenty times but never completed anything.  Not because I was constantly keeping busy or because I didn't want to.  I think because everytime I wrote I got a bit frustrated.

Frustrated that you're not here.  Frustrated that writing is the only option.  Frustrated that every single thing that happened in October you had to miss.

Going on the seventh month of you being gone and it feels like it was just the sixth month, the fifth month, even the first month.  A month means nothing.  That is the most frustrating part.  How much can happen in just one month (your birthday, Marcie's wedding, Lilly was Star Student, Disneyland a few times, Halloween) and yet for every single event it takes me 30 minutes to even get out of bed that morning, knowing that it has to be done without you there.

And yet for most, a month means a lot.  Family and friends that were just finding out they were pregnant when you died are now in the home stretch, babies have been born, best friends have gotten married; as is life, time goes happily by.  I feel like I'm in one of those movie scenes where everything is going on so quickly around me and I am standing still in the middle of it all.

So the month that you were always so excited for has come and gone.  And with friends and family around us all the time, truely being as supportive as can be my biggest frustration still: Loneliness.

I miss you every day and love you more then words.

Luv Ya,
Jenn

Mike's Birthday 2008

heaven

Bud,
One word that I wished Lil didn't have so much knowledge on: Heaven.  How many 5 year olds use it in their daily vocabulary, I should hope not many.  But, this has become part of our norm and is usually part of some version  of bedtime conversation.  Funny that bedtime is the time that we both miss you the most.  Everyday her curiosity and wanting of detail grows.  In the past 6 months it went from simply "What is Heaven?" to her very well thought out game plan tonight "We can all go together and then no one will miss anyone!"

But tonight was different.  It wasn't just questions but it was how it ended.  Tonight was the first time that Lilly really cried for you.  I think she realized that there is no going to Heaven to see you no matter what kind of idea she came up with, so she cried.  She misses her Daddy.  Not anything specific, just you.

How unfair that a 5 year old should have to go without something so special.  Her daddy.  All of the little things that only you knew to do with her are irreplaceable.  The love that you had for her and she has for you is unmeasurable.  It's what I have come to realize I will NEVER be able to fix.

I feel in my heart that these are the first tears of many that will follow.  You are in Heaven and we are here.  No game plan or waiving of her wand is going to change it and your little one has figured that out.

We miss you and love you more then words.

Luv Ya,
Jenn

"The Oak Tree"

Bud,

So every day I've been going through and reading a few of the many cards that I received over the past 5 months.  Each one is so personal.  The one I read today is from Grandma Betty:

A mighty wind blew night and day.

It stole the oak tree's leaves away,

Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark

Until the oak was tired and stark.

But still the oak tree held its ground

 While other trees fell all around.

The weary wind gave up and spoke,

"How can you still be standing , Oak?"

The oak tree said, "I know that you

Can break each branch of mine in two,

Carry every leaf away,

Shake my limbs, and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,

Growing stronger since my birth.

You'll never touch them, for you see,

They are the deepest part of me.

Until today, I wasn't sure

Of just how much I could endure.

But now I've found, with thanks to you,

I'm stronger than I ever knew."

Five months in and when the air turns on upstairs and moves the bedroom door I still jump thinking that it's you coming to bed.

Miss you more then words.

Luv Ya,

Jenn

comparison

Bud, 

Where to begin.  Tonight has not been the easiest for us.  We are about to enter the week that I feel in my heart to be the toughest.  Lilly is starting school.  What should be the happiest moment, up to this point of her short, amazing life, carries this deep pain for me with it.  I have, lately, found myself doing something that is out of character for me, comparing.  I think of all the parents that will be getting their kids ready for the same first day of school and my heart literally aches to think that Lilly will not have you there with her.  How many little girls will go home and show off what they did on the first day to their daddies, like she used to do with you.  How many husbands and wives are laying in bed right now talking about how fast the time went.

I guess the word I should be using is jealousy.

I have never really been one to look at another's life and be jealous...why would I?  A husband I could share everything with, an awesome daughter that is truly a blessing to this world, amazing friends and family.  Wants, yes, but jealousy, no.

Now, I notice it everyday.  A dad carrying his kid in the grocery store.  A couple at the movie theater.  And that very generic saying of "Why Me!!!" creeps up.  Don't get me wrong, do I wish it on those people, No!

I, of course, deal with these feelings myself.  I am really happy for Lilly to start school this week.  As you can imagine, she is super excited.  But even in this moment of excitement, she picks The Invisible String to read for her bedtime story.  She asks me questions about you going to Heaven again, some new like "how did daddy get there?", and others repeated like "does daddy miss us in heaven like we miss him?".  She told you about her weekend  and through in her usual, "I hope you're having fun with all of those Angels!"  She closes her eyes to go to sleep and says "I really wish my daddy was here and not in Heaven."  Me to.

This funk of comparing our new life to those all around me is bound to pass and I'm sure I'll find myself in some other funk to try to figure out. 



Your pep talk to Lilly about boys on her first day of Preschool


I wish you could be here to walk her to school.

Miss you more then words.
Luv Ya,
Jenn

amazing gift

Bud,

We missed you at Bri's party yesterday.  So much in fact that on the way home Lil and I decided to stop by to see you (with a pit stop to pick up a hot pink baby rose bush to plant, Lil's idea).  We stayed a while and Lance, Sarah and the kids came by to visit also.  As we left Lilly started with the questions.  First, who are all the other people visiting?  Are those people in Heaven with you?  Are they happy to be in Heaven like you are?  Do they like Heaven and think it's fun?  Then here comes her idea..." Mommy I got an idea, we should all move to Heaven instead of California(she just learned about CA).  We can all go, Grandpa's, Grandma's, Aunties, Uncles, friends.  Everyone would like it better and we wouldn't miss daddy anymore!"

Probably the best solution to this crappy situation ANYONE has given me!  If, of course, it were only that simple.

I would like to give you credit on this one, but I have a feeling, on this, she's ALL me.  You used to tell me "Jenn, you think too much!"  I even catch myself doing it sometimes now.  Well, our Lil is a thinker.  She put this messed up puzzle together and it looks better then I thought it would.  Of course we had a long chat while driving home about since Heaven is so great we can't ALL go at once.  We have to wait for our turn.  Then I told her I didn't plan on going for a long time and I hoped she would stay with me.  She then lightened my load by saying " that's fine as long as we can stop and get red Gatorade like daddy liked".

Damn, I'm lucky to have her!  I think back to February when I was showing pics of Lilly to Joseph's wife Morgan and she said "Lilly is truly a special gift to the world.  You can tell by looking at her that she is here for a purpose."  I remember telling you that and you beamed from ear to ear with pride. 

Who knew at that time how amazing of a gift she really is to all of us.

Miss ya more then words

Luv Ya,

Jenn

they just keep coming

Bud,
So this week has been full of memories of you: On Sunday we had a pool party for the 4th of July with awesome friends and family.  Something you would be surprised to hear, we have become friends with Manu, Kai and Omari and family. They all came. They are awesome people.  So weird that your passing is what brought us to meet.  We all had a fun time, but you were definitely missed.  For me there were times when I expected you to jump in the pool, come out of the house with your BBQ gear or be running around late night cleaning up the mess.  Then the fourth and fireworks. Something that you loved so much.  Where to go to see the best fireworks.  I think I have seen them more places then anyone else thanks to you.  I was thinking of last year at the top of the parking garage to watch at the Angels and then racing over to catch the Disneyland show.  This year we just walked down to the park and watched from there.  Lilly held her first sparkler and thought it was amazing! Wish it was you that would have lit it for her.  And now today, July 7, our anniversary. I remember 2 things like yesterday: 1.  When we first started dating on your graduation, spent every day together from that date until the end of the summer and on July 7 you asked, so are we dating? 2. On July 7 2004, our 10th anniversary, the first after we were married and you said to me, "we don't celebrate 2 anniversaries now, right?" 7794 was our password for everything for years. 
The week will end with an Angels game, our first without you.  We're going with Manu, his wife Stephanie and their 2 little ones.  If you don't already know, the Angels are doing pretty freakin good this year and hopefully won't disappoint like your Lakers did. And yes, I changed your tow-hitch for you to your Angels.

The end to a week that had some fun but always had a big hole in it for me.  I miss you.

Luv ya,
Jenn

what i've learned in three months

Bud,

I just got home from visiting the beautiful place with your friends and while driving home i was thinking of all the little things that keep popping up that i either never realized or even knew before these last three months.  things that i may have never really thought of until now.  some things that i never felt i would need to learn or think of.  other things that i just didn't pay attention to:
- lilly is more like you than i may have ever realized:
  - she covers her head with the blanket when the sun comes up every morning, just like you did
  - she laughs so loud that other people laugh along with her
  - she acts like she's listening to me and then says "what did you say"
  - she becomes friends with strangers everywhere we go
  - she organizes her fast food before she will eat it
- your friends:
  - they miss you more then you might have ever thought or realized they would
  - walsh is so much like you it's kinda crazy
  - lance likes spicy food, which for some reason i never thought he would
  - ross has been trying to keep me in line, which i need
  - we have all learned together just how precious life is(no matter how cheesy that sounds)
- me:
  - how annoying it is to have to get gas in two cars
  - how nice it was to have you come out to the car every night when i got home
  - how weird it is to not buy gaterade every time i go to the grocery store
  - how much work it is to keep lilly's room looking half way organized like you did
  - how even if it didn't seem like you were always listening it was nice to be able to just tell someone about my day

the most important thing that i am learning is that life is moving on all around me, whether or not i want it to.  i don't quite know how i feel about that yet but at least i can admit that i recognize it.  the next step, to deal with it.

i have missed you every day for the past three months more than words.

luv ya
jenn

happy 17th

Bud,

Can you believe that 17 years ago today you graduated High School! I was going through some of your high school stuff, folders, drawings, and found this picture. We were so young. It's a great memory. Thinking back to when our biggest concerns were who's driving who and when and where we were meeting up. I'm not gonna say that I knew from day one we would get married and start our Scheliga family, that would be silly to say when I was only 15. I will say that we were lucky to grow up together and in the same direction.

It's hard sometimes to remember when we were not together. It may not have always been perfect, but you always used to say the people that act like everything is perfect have the most to hide.

So, happy 17 years tonight. Wish you were here with me, I miss telling you about my day.

Miss you more then words.

Luv ya,
Jenn

together

Bud,

Lilly's birthday is tomorrow.  Let's back up one week.  Lilly's party was last Sunday, a week ago today.  The party was perfect and completely over-the-top.  Everything that I did or bought I could hear you saying "that's enough Jenn, she's only turning 5!"  But, remember when she was a baby and we talked about this birthday?  I said that when she turns 5 that I am having an Alice in Wonderland tea party.  You said, what if she doesn't like tea parties? What if she wants another type of party instead?  So we agreed, only Alice in Wonderland tea party if that's what she wanted.  You know, I started planning details in March and we sat with my list one night after she went to sleep in the office and you let me show you every detail on the computer and you had your typical response "Oh my!"  I now understand a little better why I started planning so early and had some peace of mind knowing that you were a part of the planning too. 
I made it through, mostly, with no tears.  Only when she blew out the candles did I really feel my throat close-up and tears welling up.  Not for me but for her.  It was a reminder that we won't be able to have these moments together with her.  I know you would have been standing there next to her when she blew out the candles.  You would have put her on the bike that you picked out (Peter went with me to make sure I remembered the right one).  Most of all, when we got home from the party you and Lil would have sat in her room together and opened every single present and found its place in her room. 

I have been reminded that you are in our hearts and I tell Lilly that every night when she says she misses you and closes her eyes and whispers to you about her day.  But this week I am selfish, I don't want you in our hearts I would have liked to be together.

Today we are going to Dland with Chris, Darlene and Abby and tomorrow I am taking her again, like I know we would have done.  She is super excited but not for the normal reason.  She is excited because she says your shadow is there and she can't wait to be with you 2 days in a row.  Last night, before we went to bed she watched video that you took with your phone and would text to me to make me jealous when just you and her were at Dland together.  She replayed them over and over again, smiling every time you spoke.  Thank God for those videos, her and I definitely needed to hear your voice this week.

Lilly misses you more and more every night and I miss you more then words.

Luv Ya
Jenn

Reality

Bud,
I started thinking I would write this to you when I first sat down to visit you tonight, our weekly ritual.  Than I got caught up watching this guy visiting his person.  We see him every week and I always have every intention of introducing myself or at least going down after he leaves to try to figure out who he is visiting every week at the same time we are here to see you...his brother, lover, parent, than I realized tonight it doesn't matter.  Isn't it weird how we can have something so in common with another person that we don't know, sorrow.  He does the same thing every week: get his edger out and weeds the space, waters, lifts these little weights that he has sitting under the bench and then just sits there with this look of sadness, like no matter what he does it doesn't really matter, it changed absolutely nothing.  It will be the same when he comes back next week and the week after that.  If I remember correctly his person has been there since 2009, 3 years.  That doesn't make it harder or more of a reality for me, it just is.  It is what I will be doing in 3 years from now, watching him weed whack his area while I am reading some book, pretending not to watch. It's what I have been doing almost every Friday for the past 2 months, realizing that this is what it is.  Don't think for a second that I am upset about this, I know that you would be doing the same.  Also, don't think that I am here alone or crying or even sitting here in some somber state the whole time.  Tonight we had some pretty good laughs.  I think I would have made you proud with some of my wise ass comments.  I learned from the best! No, Walsh, Ross, J, Ernie, Lance kept me company, or I should say I think we kept each other company.  At one point I said, shit, who would have thought 2 months ago we would be here on Friday nights, and J said it may not be where we want to be but it's where we are.  Isn't that the truth.  I pretty much feel that every day...this isn't where I want to be, but I'm here and I'm dealing.  

So now, as I sit out on our patio, watching a moon that is on it's way to being full, I  realize that things may not be as I would like them to be but it doesn't really matter.  Who really ever gets everything that they  want.  This is not some dumb reality show.  I'm sure that I don't sound like the over positive wife that you married 7 years ago and you're right, I'm not.  I'm positive when I need to be and realistic in my head the rest of the time.  That's reality.

This is the end to a not so easy week for me and you should know that I miss you more this week then I have so far.

Luv ya and miss you more then words,
Jenn

Happy Anniversary

Bud,
Happy Anniversary babe. I wish more then anything that you could be here with me in Seattle to celebrate it. We are taking Lilly to see Mary Poppins tonight and I know you would have hated every second of it with a big smile on your face and Lilly sitting on your lap.

I've been thinking a lot about our wedding this week and been sharing some of the best memories about it with Devon: everyone staying at Bahia for the entire weekend, the Hawaiian dancers, people dancing with entire champagne bottles in one hand, friends getting tickets in the parking while listening to the Lakers, and ending the night with you ripping through all the red envelopes before we had to catch our plane. The only part of the wedding that you had to be a part in planning, the music. Our first dance to what we thought was the perfect song: short, sweet and to the point.

Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan

Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I've tried
And your love is better than ice cream
But everyone here knows how to fight

And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from

Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I've tried
Oh, love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to cry

And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from

I miss you more than words and my heart aches for you today.

Luv ya,
Jenn

Time

Bud,
So I'm laying here in bed in Seattle. Watching the clock as it gets closer to that time. The time that 7 weeks ago changed everything. Time is so weird. It has allowed Lilly to get acclimated to your not being physically with us. It moves faster then I would like it to, kinda like when we would go to Hawaii and felt like we were leaving after we just got there... 2 weeks seemed like 2 days. It brought this trip to Seattle, now half-way done, way to quickly. And as much as I don't want it to be here, it's almost time for our 7th wedding anniversary. Wow, I remember it like yesterday.
But, on the other hand, time has almost stood still with our amazing friendships that we built over 17 years ago. Staying here with Devon, Jen, and Dave so many memories have made us laugh until we almost cried. We hadn't seen them in a while, but the time has made no difference at all. We are all still the same that we were back in high school in the ways that matter and have grown into "responsible" adults in the ways that are important. They have given me more then they could ever know over the past week. We really do have some amazing friends babe.
As much as I hate it, time will just keep on going. But, it's a relief to know that you will always be there too.

Miss you more then words.
Luv ya,
Jenn

Date Night

Bud,
Sitting here in bed reading through Facebook and it seems like the world is having "Date Night" tonight. So I was thinking back to what would have been our last date. It was a weeknight and we dropped Lilly off at your parents because you said I HAD to try the best new Sushi place in Riverside! The wait was over an hour on a Tuesday night and we sat outside on the brick wall freezing cold. Remember, you were getting annoyed with those people that had their baby out with just a onesie and no socks. We had all-you-can-eat and I laugh at how the owner came over to say hi to you, like you've known him for ever (big surprise). We tried to go grocery shopping after and everything I tried to buy you said "I'm too full, nothing sounds good for dinner this week!"
If I would have known it was our last date I would have wanted to go someplace more special. Maybe not insist on going grocery shopping after. Maybe stay out way longer and talk more.
Lilly had it right the other night when she asked if you could be with us just for another 5 minutes. I would take 5 minutes in a heartbeat, would give everything I have for it.
I'm missing my husband tonight.

Luv Ya and miss you more than words,
Jenny